


Philophobia (Rewritten)

by Tyler_KB



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Adopted Children, Adoption, Agoraphobia, Alternate Universe - Human, Amputation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Asthma, Autism, Autistic Monaco (Hetalia), Blind Character, Burns, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Chronic Illness, Depression, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Epilepsy, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fainting, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gastroparesis, Guide Dog, Headaches & Migraines, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kidnapping, M/M, Marriage, Mass Cell Activation Disorder, Multi, Narcolepsy, Nightmares, Non-Verbal Character, Paralysis, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Philophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rewrite, Romance Doesn't Heal Trauma, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Service Dogs, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-08 04:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21469882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyler_KB/pseuds/Tyler_KB
Summary: Ludwig enjoyed living far from others.He enjoyed his only company being his 8 dogs.He enjoyed writing and Disney movies.~Feliciano enjoyed living with his twin brother and his boyfriend.He enjoyed long walks with Noodle, his seeing eye dog.He enjoyed painting and baking.~Feliciano was desperate to never be alone, Ludwig was afraid of being close to anyone.Feliciano felt like a burden, Ludwig questioned his worth.Feliciano had nightmares, Ludwig never slept.Feliciano believed no one could love him, Ludwig feared someone loving him.
Relationships: America/Japan (Hetalia), Austria/Netherlands/Switzerland (Hetalia), Belarus/Liechtenstein (Hetalia), Belgium/Hungary (Hetalia), Bulgaria/Romania (Hetalia), Canada/Prussia (Hetalia), China/Russia (Hetalia), Denmark/Norway, England/France (Hetalia), Finland/Sweden (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Hong Kong/Iceland (Hetalia), Lithuania/Poland (Hetalia), Monaco (Hetalia)/Seychelles (Hetalia), South Italy/Spain (Hetalia)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 75





	1. Ludwig

I stared at the clock hanging on the living room wall, eyes burning as I try to process what the clock hands and number mean.

3:43, am or pm I don’t know, but judging by the lack of sunlight peeking through under the blinds that are shut as tightly as possible so no one could see through, I’m pretty sure it’s the very early hours of morning.

The bone crushing exhaustion should confirm it, but I can’t remember the last time the universe wasn’t baring down on my shoulders; it’s daily, nightly, always.

My eyes scan the blindingly bright room, the most likely cause of my burning eyes. The only noise filling the house being the lowered tv, which has some game show playing that I’ve been watching but not processing.

I think it’s a game show at least, I think I originally had something else playing when I first sat down but I…I don’t really remember the last few hours, just a gentle haze of barely existing in this consciousness.

My hand has been compulsively petting Imelda’s fur, but I don’t think she minds the mindless and repetitive petting down her back as she sleeps in my lap.

My other hand holds another cup of coffee that has since gone ice cold, but still I take small sips.

Anything to stay awake.

Alaric lays at my feet, a gentle pressure to remind me that he’s here.

The other six dogs have spread around the living room, asleep but unwilling to leave my presence to sleep in our room in the bed.

Not counting my monthly trip to pick up groceries and when Gilbert and Matthew visit me, my dogs are the only living beings I see.

It’s a lonely life.

It’s how I survive.

But each dog was different, allowing me at least a small sense of variety in my daily life. 

Alaric is the oldest and the first dog I adopted. An Alaskan Malamute Gilbert and I adopted nearly 6 years ago when he was six months after being assessed for service dog work by the organization that helped train him. He was part owner trained and part organization trained in psychiatric work, and the main reason I’m still alive.

Blackie and Berlitz, who are curled up together on the floor, are both five years old and a German Shepherd and Kuvasz respectively. They are guard dogs who protect the house and land that Gilbert adopted for me.

Aster, asleep on the other side of the couch, is an energetic four-and-a-half-year-old Chow Chow that loves running outside with his brothers and sisters, and doesn’t know how to take no for an answer so he often drags me outside to play fetch or another game with him.

Jäger, a three-year-old Shiba Inu, is a troublemaker who thrives on bothering Amara, my two-year-old Great Pyrenees. Case in point, he is currently laying on top of her, something she wouldn’t have allowed if she was awake.

Schatzi, a two-year-old Keeshond, is curled up in front of the fireplace, twitching slightly, as not even in her sleep can she be still, always moving and doing something she deems fun, mostly involving running in circles.

Finally is the baby, my 9-month-old Tibetan Terrier Imelda, who is the sweetest thing to ever exist on this god forsaken earth, always giving kisses and desperate for pets and attention from me or anyone else.

“Gil and Mattie are visiting tomorrow afternoon for dinner, Ime…or I guess this afternoon now.” I say it to myself quietly, but Imelda stirs in her sleep before waking up a bit, standing to stretch before laying back down in a more comfortable position.

I smile softly, “that means we need to go pick up groceries, Alaric.” He lifts his head at his name, blinking in conformation.

I had ordered groceries online earlier today (yesterday, I remind myself, it’s nearly 4 in the morning), and they said they would be ready for pick up between 12 and 1 o’clock tom-…later today.

Imelda stands up again, giving a small bark that makes me jump and wakes the other dogs up from their sleep. She jumps off my lap, walking towards the bedroom before looking back at me, expectedly. The other dogs also look towards me, Schatzi even gives me her hard to resist puppy eyes as I curl into myself.

“No Ime, I don’t want to go to sleep,” I tell her quietly, a whisper almost. 

Alaric knows it’s been too long since I last slept, and he gently bites on my sweat pants, pulling me towards the direction of the hallway.

My legs are numb and hurting from sitting for six straight hours, only moving from here to the kitchen for more coffee or to the backdoor to lock the dog door, once to the bathroom when I couldn’t hold it anymore and didn’t want to clean the couch or change my pants.

I can see them begging me to sleep, but then it will return.

The nightmares…no…the memories.

The memories that haunt me, that took everything away from me.

I’m crying when I finally stand, nearly collapsing on shaking legs that can barely support me as I sway from a sudden dizziness that overtakes me.

Alaric moves to my side, but since I can’t give the brace command in this state, I allow myself to fall to the floor on my knees, pain radiating through my body.

The dogs run over, nudging me as I begin to hyperventilate. Alaric licks my face, bringing me back from a place of panic as he sets his paws on my legs, the weight grounding me back to reality.

It takes too long for me to stand with help from the walls and anything else I could hold onto to steady myself. The dogs run in, some jumping onto the king bed and others finding a place around the room as I close the door behind us. Alaric walks by my side until I sit on my side of the bed.

“Alaric,” I hesitate, looking around the brightly lit room, “Alaric light.”

He perks up at the command, running over to the light switch and putting his paws on the wall to turn it off.

I brace myself for the darkness, but my nightlight and star projector give enough light (it’s not enough, it’s too dark, someone help please-) that I don’t descend into another panic attack.

The projector was a gift from Gilbert, and it is one of my most prized possessions. 

Gilbert lives forty-five minutes away with his long-term boyfriend Matthew, who is like a second brother to me and the love of my brother’s life, though it’s obvious the feeling goes both ways. They work around Gilbert’s work and Matthew’s college schedule to come over to see me as much as possible, not to mention how often they call.

I lay down and cover myself, running a hand through Amara’s fur since she’s closest. Imelda squeezes herself between Amara and I, looking for more pets as she curls into my chest. I stare at the wall, knowing I needed at least a little sleep to be able to drive to the store safety, as it’s been over 3 days with a total of four hours, all through day naps plagued by nightmares.

My eyes close quickly, exhaustion finally winning out.

_The ceiling, white and blank and just like every other ceiling to ever exist, is the first thing I see. I hear my breathing, fast and heavy, and I choke on my next breath as a scream violently rips through my lungs, tearing its way out._

_The man above me, stronger and bigger and wearing a suffocating amount of cologne that overpowers any other smell that exists, chuckles darkly at me, nails dig into my hips as I look away from the ceiling to see him smirking down at me, the rest of his face blurred. _

_"You like this Ludwig, don't even try to convince yourself you don't, you fighting back just means you like it." _

_"No!" _

_My voice sounds far away, but I can feel the pain that the shout caused, I feel myself coughing violently, unable to breathe._

_He just thrusts harder, faster, his laugher surrounds my mind as he grips my hair, ripping my eyes from the ceiling and forcing me to look at his blurry face._

_"This is the only love you deserve Ludwig, the only kind your worthless ass will ever get. No one can ever love you, a dirty, disgusting whore that belongs to me!" _

"No!" 

I wake up with a scream, breathing heavily with sweat dripping down my back and neck. Tears streamed down my face as Alaric laid his full body on my lap, attempting to bring me back from the nightmare of a memory that continues to haunt me.

The feeling hits suddenly and I move to run to the bathroom, hoping I don’t fall and vomit on the carpet. I reach the toilet just in time, throwing up what looks to be mostly coffee.

My crying descends into sobs as I try to restrain myself from dragging my broken nails down my arms to bring my mind to another kind of pain.

“Ala…Alaric I need…phone…phone please get the…get the phone,” I stutter out, listening to him running to the living room where I left it last night. 

He comes back, dropping it in my lap and I reach to pick it up, hands shaking violently as I struggle to unlock it and reach the emergency contact list.

It rings only twice before Gilbert picks up, sounding like he just woke up but is trying to hide it.

"Ludwig?" 

My body lets out a sob and I cover my mouth in an attempt to quiet them.

"Ha…Hallo G-Gil,” I manage.

"Another one?" 

I nod, instinctively but curse myself once I realize he can’t see me.

"Yes, it…it was when…when he was…he was..."

My sobs pick up again as I distantly hear what sounds like Gil sitting up in bed and talking softly to Matthew for a moment.

"Do you need me to come earlier? Mattie said he would be happy for me to come earlier and I can just drive to get him when he's done with school then come back." 

I can’t let him do that. I’m already a burden.

"No, I-I'm fine Gil…I’m fine…Alaric…he calmed me down."

I look around at the eight doors trying to fit in my bathroom.

“Well they…they all did.”

He sighs.

"You are a stubborn one, Lud, but alright, we'll be there at 5:00 okay? Call us if you need me to come earlier." 

I smile softly, wiping my face.

"I will, I love you Gil."

"Love you too Lud." 

I hang up, setting my phone down next to me as I try to take a few deep breaths.

Gilbert and I never said I love you after I turned five and decided I was too big to tell my brother I loved him, but then…it…happened six years ago and I began saying it every day, multiple times a day in fact.

I never know when the last time I get to say it will be.

Alaric stands up and moves out of my way once I begin to stand, using the toilet as a brace before flushing it and moving to brush my teeth.

I used to be strong in another lifetime, with muscles from playing sports and working out daily, but that all ended six years ago. 

Everything ended six years ago.

Now the mirror, something I avoid as much as possible, shows a very different person.

Weak, tired, barely any amount of muscle left on my body and noticeably underweight with bags under my eyes from limited sleep.

I walk slowly to the kitchen, sitting at one of the barstools, placing my head in my hands as I try to focus on anything other than the phantom hands holding my hips in a vice grip and the faint smell of cologne that followed me into consciousness.

“Alaric, medicine.”

He runs off, grabbing the little baggie on my nightstand before returning and letting me take it from him.

“Water please.”

Alaric pulls on the fridge pull strap, opening the door and grabbing one of the water bottles on the shelf, returning to me with it in his mouth.

“Thank you, now close the door.”

He does, nudging the fridge door closed as I swallow each pill individually, placing the four bottles back in the bag and setting it next to me.

I sit quietly for a few minutes, watching my dogs, who are either awake and playing or having drifted back off to sleep.

Once I don’t feel as fuzzy, I stand to make my first pot of coffee, using the counters to balance myself as I start up the machine.

I stare at the pot slowly filling with coffee, counting the seconds in my head until it’s ready.

I feel a gentle nudge on my leg and look down to see Schatzi looking up and wagging her tail. I smile at her, moving to the living room and opening the doggy door.

All of the dogs run outside to play or go potty as I return to my coffee, grabbing the pot and my mug and walking to the couch.

I sit, noticing that the tv is on from a few hours ago before my…hour and a half hour of sleep. I grab the remote, turning on the first Disney movie that catches my eyes.

The Little Mermaid.

Disney movies make me happy.

They make me forget.

They help me.

By the time the movie has ended, I’ve finished the pot of coffee and made myself a piece of toast I’m hoping will stay down, but it’s a gamble at this point.

I get through two more movies before the clock hits eleven thirty and I decide it’s time to get ready to pick up my groceries.

I stand from the couch, stiff and in pain as I stretch carefully in fear of the scars along my back that hurt from even the smallest movement it seems. 

Alaric looks up and follows me to my bedroom once I start walking down the hallway, sitting and watching as I change from my tank top and sweatpants into a long sleeved shirt and a pair of comfortable and warm pants, grabbing the hoodie that used to belong to Matthew but he gave to me around a year ago after realizing how much I loved wearing it.

I grab Alaric’s black service dog vest and hands-free leash, carrying them with me as we walk back into the living room.

Opening the door, I whistle to get the dogs attention, and the ones who were still outside run in, shaking off snow and running to play with the dogs who came inside.

I lock the dog door and double check that the backdoor is fully locked, nodding when I am satisfied and turning around.

“Alaric with me.” He stands a little closer, following me out the front door and to the car. I check the car to make sure no one is there, hesitating to step into the car after letting Alaric into the backseat as I turn the car on, putting the temperature to heat.

I shiver violently, ignoring the nervous feeling in my stomach as I reverse out of my driveway, turning on music so I have something to focus on.

We start our 30-minute journey to the grocery store, watching as snow covered land becomes residential.

Residential and filled with people.


	2. Feliciano

The air is cold as I hum softly while walking down the street from the park to Lovino and I’s café, Noodle, my guide dog, guiding me along. A few people who know me say hi and ask how Antonio and Lovino are or if we’re planning to add anything new and exciting to the café’s menu. It seems like everyone in the town knows the three of us from the café, and people always want to stop and chat on the street no matter the temperature. 

We stop at a curb and I have to listen closely to the cars to know when it’s safe to cross, after a few minutes I deem it safe and from the fact Noodle walks along with me without trying to stop me, I know I got it right.

Lovino had laughed when I named her Noodle after the two of us were matched, but Antonio said he loved the name right away and so it stuck. 

The smell of delicious, if I do say so myself, food and pastries hit my nose and I smile brightly, reaching to open the doors of the café I co-own. I can hear people chatting in the dining area, a few people call out greetings when I pass them while heading towards the kitchen, I happily wave back in the direction of their voices.

“Feli!” Antonio exclaims once I’m close enough to the ordering counter and I open my arms for a hug, which he happily gives me as I giggle.

“Hi Toni! Is Lovi returning from class soon?”

My question is answered by an amused snort coming from the direction of the kitchen, a snort I immediately recognize.

I let go of Antonio and turn towards my brother, tackling him in an attempt hug. He sighs and I can feel him rolling his eyes as I giggle, “oops, sorry Lovi! I didn’t realize you were back already, how was your final?”

“It was fine, I’m pretty sure my dish was good enough to pass.”

I let go of him, shaking my head.

“’Good enough to pass’ don’t sell yourself short, Lovi, I’m 100% certain your dish was amazing!”

He chuckles but I can hear he doesn’t believe me, “we will see Feli, I had a late breakfast with Arthur, Emma, and Camille to celebrate, Arthur and Camille said they should be by the café soon to see everyone, but Emma had to get to her internship, so she won’t be coming by today.”

I nod in understanding, hooking my arm with Lovino’s and grabbing Noodle’s guide handle again as we walk into the kitchen.

We met Camille, as well as many of our other friends, in a support group for people with disabilities that formed nearly two years ago, while Emma is a longtime friend we met in elementary school and Arthur is Antonio’s best friend Francis’ husband, so Lovi and I have known him for years.

Arthur is blind in his left eye from pediatric glaucoma that started when he was six months old, and has recently progressed to a point that he lacks peripheral vision in his right eye. He is a college student studying English at the same college Lovino attends to study culinary arts. 

Camille is autistic and predominantly non-verbal, and she’s studying law at another campus for the university that’s close enough she can still meet the other three for lunch or studying together on the campus. 

Emma is recently engaged to another friend of ours named Elizaveta who is taking classes to become a chemistry teacher while Emma is studying to become a veterinarian.

Lovi moves away from me once we reach the kitchen so I can put Noodle in her spot, out of the way and no where near the ingredients and food, and take off my jacket since I don’t need it anymore, as the café is always kept at a comfortable temperature.

Lovino claps his hands together when I turn back around, making me jump in surprise. 

"Okay bastard, we got things to make, I got the coffee, tea, and hot chocolate, you get to mixing the red velvet, peppermint bark, and pumpkin cupcakes, nearly all the cakes and cookies are out already, however the fourth batch of chocolate chip cookies are nearly done baking, I got those in the oven now. Soups are on the stove and Julian, Kiara, and Savannah should be here at 11:30 to work their shifts.”

I nod, giving him a little salute as I walk towards the sink to wash my hands.

I know this kitchen like the back of my hand, the entire layout imbedded into my mind. I dry off my hands and move towards the pantry to grab the ingredients I need, feeling the containers for the braille written on them.

Grabbing the ingredients I need, I walk back to my workspace, rolling up my shirt sleeves and reaching for the measuring cups I need.

The large scar running down my arm rubs against my fingers when I brush against it, the others are mostly faded but that one will never heal properly.

I’ve come to peace with it, but Lovino hasn’t, I can tell by the way I feel his eyes staring at the scar and the sound of cups moving stop.

I can’t see the look he’s giving me, but I imagine it would be sad, Antonio says it normally is when Lovi is reminded of the night that I don’t remember but I know Lovino vividly remembers.

Antonio had told me a few hours after I woke up in that dreaded hospital bed, covered in bandages and on constant surveillance, that Lovino had nearly torn apart the entire hospital and everyone in it when they refused to tell him anything. 

Later I would learn from Liz that Lovino did slap one of the nurses and a doctor across the face, though what the final trigger for him to actually get violent was I have no idea, everyone who knows refused to tell me.

The sound of cups moving around and the coffee machine brewing starting up again lets me know that Lovi is done remembering and has returned to the present. I hum a small tune, listening to the radio playing a song I distantly recognize.

It’s easy to get lost in baking.

Measuring the ingredients, mixing them together and putting them into their trays to bake…it’s repetitive, I only need to thing about baking and nothing else.

You have to be awake to bake, and the nightmares can’t attack me if I’m awake…Lovi and Toni will never let Him come near me again…they promised, they swore they would kill anyone and anything that tried to hurt me.

The café is safe because Toni and Lovi are safe.

I am never scared when I’m with Toni or Lovi.

Nervous yes, I’m always nervous, but I’m never scared when I’m near them.

Nothing can touch me (_violent, hurts, pain, pain, **pain**_)…no one can touch me when I’m with my familia.

The oven goes off and I hear Lovino taking the cookies out of the oven, walking them over to the cooling rack before grabbing the finished pumpkin and red velvet cupcake trays from the corner of my workspace, placing them into one of our ovens and setting the timer.

The doors to the kitchen burst open loudly, making me jump and nearly drop the peppermint bark tray on the floor, but thankfully I steady it before it can fall.

“The hero has arrived!”

I break into a large smile at the voice I could recognize anywhere yells in greeting.

“Alfred!” 

He runs over loudly, making as much noise as he can so he can let me know he’s coming, wrapping me in a hug I happily return.

I ease up a bit after I feel him wince in pain, moving my arms to his lower back instead of his shoulders.

Lovino groans, “Alfred, Feli and I are trying to work,” he pauses, thinking for a moment before sighing, “hi Kiku, lovely to see you.”

I let go of Alfred, “hi Kiku!”

“Good morning Feli, Lovino,” my longtime friend greets us, “apologies for Alfred, Arthur warned him that you two were working and not to storm in here, he obviously did not listen to his warnings.”

Lovino snores, “you should listen to Arthur, Alfred, he is technically your father after all.”

Alfred groans, “he and Francis may have adopted me, but they are annoying older brothers AT BEST, I’m barely four years younger than Arthur anyways!”

Kiku chuckles a bit, “you must respect your elders, Alfred, it is only polite.”

“Oh no Kiku you have to be on my side! Come on what about the boyfriend code?” Alfred whines, causing the three of us to laugh.

“You two go sit with everyone and I’ll have Antonio bring you guys’ regulars, Feli are you done with the cupcake mixes?” I nod, holding up the last cupcake pan, “then you can go with them if you want.”

I nod, smiling, “thank you Lovi!”

“And remember you need to put our name down for grocery pick up, Antonio will be there once Julian, Kiara, and Savannah are here to pick you and the groceries up!” Lovi calls and I give a thumbs up in his direction, walking over to Noodle’s corner and grabbing her handle.

I grip her handle tightly, “alrighty Noodle, lets go find Alfred and Kiku.”

Noodle starts leading me once we exist the kitchen since I’m not exactly sure where everyone is sitting, however the loud laugher and chatting gives me a pretty decent idea, as our group can be extremely loud.

“Feli!” Some exclaim once I arrive to the table, making me smile and wave.

“Who’s here? Noodle chair.” Noodle leads me to an empty chair, and I pull it out, sitting down with Noodle laying under the table.

“Well,” it’s Alfred, I turn towards him, “there’s Ivan, Yao, Lili, Natalia, Camille, Michelle, Kiku, myself, and Arthur, to your left is Michelle, on your right is Kiku, and sitting across from you is Ivan. Roderich, Lars, Vash, and Alexander are having a family day, Francis is hanging out with my brother after his class ends, Emma has her internship, Liz is visiting her mom for the day, Toris and Feliks are out of town, and the Nordic family are being their chaotic selves so none of them could be here,” he explains, and I nod.

Yao snorts around what sounds like a mug, “chaotic is an understatement for that family, I have no idea how my cousin handles it.”

I laugh as Michelle, going by the soft skin and angle, wraps an arm around me.

“Hey Feli! How have you been? Feels like it’s been a million years since we last got to talk, finals have been hell this semester,” she tells me, and I nod.

“That’s what everyone had told me, and I’m doing okay, today is grocery day, so I’ll be leaving soon, but I wanted to say hi to everyone and chat for a bit,” I frown a bit, “where’s Arthur? I need to ask him a question really quick before I go.”

Michelle hums for a second, “he’s about 35 degrees to your right, across the table on Ivan’s side.”

I nod, “thanks.”

“Hey Arthur?” I have to say it loudly so he can hear me over the noise, but hopefully he heard me.

“Yes Feli?” Ah great he did, “what can I do for you?”

I smile at him, “how are you today?”

He sighs, sounding tired, “I am fine, finals were today so I’m drained, but overall I am doing okay,” he scoffs a bit, “at least other than Allister calling me before I got here, he’s always picking fights with me I swear, but enough about that git, how are you?

I laugh, “brothers are like that, and I am doing fine, thinking about doing a painting later today, but I was wondering if you had anymore book recommendations? I finished the last one.”

Arthur hums, a common thing people do to let me know they are just thinking and not ignoring me I have noticed. “I don’t have any off the top of my head that you would enjoy, so how about I send you a list later today or tomorrow?”

“That would be great! Thank you very much,” I say, and he hums as a ‘you’re welcome’.

“Arthur,” a robotic sounding voice says to my left, meaning Camille must be using her text to speech app since I’m here, “where is Francis?”

I hear Arthur sigh as he leans heavily against the back of his chair, “he is picking up Matthew from college for a short shopping trip since they haven’t been able to spend time together in the last few weeks before Matthew and his boyfriend go to see his boyfriends brother for dinner this afternoon, he told me he would call when they were done if you were wanting to talk to him, I can let him know or something like that if you want.”

“I can text him, we were talking about going to dinner before you guys left for your trip,” it’s quiet from Camille for a second but Arthur doesn’t say anything so she must be typing more, “when are you two announcing the next destination?”

“Soon, we leave in two weeks,” he tells her before sighing sadly.

“Are you okay?” Michelle asks.

Arthur is quiet for a moment and the conversation around us stops at the sudden mood drop.

“Apologies, I am just thinking about Matthew’s boyfriends’ brother, I’ve never met him nor learned his name, but Matthew tells Francis and I about him a lot, plus Francis knew him before…before whatever happened a few years ago, though he hasn’t actually seen him in years.”

No one says anything for a moment, “is his brother okay?”

Ivan asks and Arthur doesn’t respond verbally, maybe he shrugged or something.

“I don’t know, I don’t know if anyone other than those three know the full story really, I just know something happened a few years ago and now he barely leaves his house,” Arthur says, sounding sad.

“PTSD maybe?”

Michelle leans her head on my shoulder as Arthur sighs softly.

“I believe so, Feli, that would make the most sense.”

My mood drops as well.

Hearing about other people who suffer from PTSD makes me sad, angry even, that other people have to deal with something so…so terrible, something that I know first hand can mess up lives.

And it’s all because of Them.

"Feliciano." 

I put on a smile, turning around to face my brother. 

"Hi Lovi! Can you join us?" 

"I'm sorry Feli, but I can't, and neither can you, it's grocery store time, Antonio will be there around the time you get there, he can't drive you because it's still busy and Julian is running a bit late.”

I pout playfully, trying to ignore the sad feeling in the back of my mind as I pet Noodle.   
"Hear that girl? It's time for a walk," I stand up, "to the store we go!" The back of my shirt is grabbed before I go two feet.

Toni's musical laugh fills my ears, which causes my mood to improve, Toni’s laugh can make everything better. "Not yet Feli, jacket first." I chuckle in embarrassment, slipping my arms through the sleeves. "I'll see you in a bit, the café is still busy and with Julian running late I need to help the people that require yours and my Lovi's delicious food." 

Lovino sighs angrily, "shut up you dumb bastard,” but I can hear fondness in his voice.

Antonio chuckles, "you love me." 

Lovi sighs once again, and I can hear the smile in his voice.

"Yeah I do." 

I hear a gagging sound from the table where they all sat. 

"You two are so gross! Get a room already!" Alfred yells, making the table laugh.

Michelle giggles, "little Camille agrees with Alfred so you must stop being so disgustingly cute." 

It goes quiet from her end, until the table begins laughing once again. 

"You are little Cam! You're 6 inches shorter than me!" Michelle laughs again, "5 foot is short love."

Lovino leads me away before the conversation can continue, me laughing at the normal argument that we’ve been having since we measured everyone’s height one day for fun, with Camille being the shortest out of us and Ivan the tallest at 6'2.

"Okay Feli, you and Noodle know where you two are going, Toni will be there soon, call me if you have any trouble alright?" Lovi checks, and I nod.

“Aye aye captain!"

Noodle leads me away from our bakery, down the street towards our destination.

The air is still cold but the happiness in my mind warms me, the reminders that I’m not alone and my friends and family are always there.


	3. Ludwig

I look at the grocery store from my car, taking a deep breath before finally unbuckling my seatbelt and opening the driver’s side door to get out in order to get this done as quickly as possible so I could return to the safety of home. I open the back door and grab Alaric’s vest from the floor, first hooking the handsfree leash around my waist before slipping his vest on and clipping the leash on him.

“Okay let’s go.”

He jumps out of the car, shaking a bit before he looks up at me as I shut the door, double checking that I lock the car doors and putting my keys in my pocket when I’m confident they are locked.

My eyes scan the parking lot closely, looking for any form of a threat.

There are a few people walking around the parking lot, their baskets full of bags or talking on the phone as they walk inside the store.

I grip my own phone tightly, reminding myself that help was just a call away if anything happens.

‘_It didn’t help you last time_.’

I cringe away, even if the thought came from my own mind.

Hopefully my groceries are ready, it’s only been two minutes and I’m ready to crawl back inside my house and watch Disney movies again with my dogs and peace and no people around me.

Alaric and I walk into the store and I grip his pull strap a little tighter at all the people walking around, but Alaric gives me a little nudge in a way to tell me everything was going to be okay.

The woman who is working at the pick-up window looks harmless. Maybe seventeen years old, smiling at the older woman at the front of the line and nodding at whatever the woman had said.

I get into the line behind the older woman, tapping out a rhythm on my leg with my fingers to distract myself, looking behind me every few moments. Alaric sits next to me, touching my leg with his body to remind me that he is there.

I step up to the counter once the older woman leaves, and the woman, who’s nametag reads ‘Mei’ I notice, turns her smile to me.

“I-I’m here to…to pick up gro…groceries?” I stutter out, sounding more like a question than a statement, but her expression doesn’t change if she noticed.

“What’s the name?” She asks, and I lightly scratch my arm, looking to the counter instead of her.

“Beilschmidt," I tell her, and she nods pressing a few buttons on the computer before smiling at me brightly when she's done and looks up.

“Thank you, Mr. Beilschmidt,” she butchers my surname a bit, but I don’t move to correct her, far too used to it by this point, “your order isn’t quite ready yet, so you can look around for a bit until it’s done, it shouldn’t be too long I’m sure. We can call you over the speakers if you would like?”

I quickly shake my head, “n-no I’ll just…I can just come back up? In around…around maybe…around maybe ten minutes?”

She nods, her smile turning a bit confused and sad, “they should be ready by then.”

I nod, “thank you.”

Alaric walks me to the bakery area so we could look at the cakes and pastries, it’s the only part of the store I actually enjoy being in since I love baking so much.

It’s a way I escape the world; baking, Disney, reading, writing, and my dogs, the things in life that can always make me happy.

Once upon a time I would run and work out to calm down, but no matter how hard I tried, after Him I couldn’t find the ability to do much of anything physically active.

Just another good thing He took away.

The bakery section has a few people; a mom with her two little children looking at cupcakes, three college students looking at the Lunchables with coupons in their hands, a older man picking out some bread, and a couple ordering something at the counter.

But one person stands out to me for some reason.

He’s frowning at the cakes, kneeling down with his fingers barely touching the glass. There’s a large dog sitting obediently beside him wearing a handle partially covered by dark blue padding with the words ‘Guide Dog’ sew into the padding in an easy to see bright yellow.

The distant want to talk to him is new, and something I haven’t experienced in years.

Normally I want to avoid people…not seek them out.

I shake my head, walking towards the pastries and looking at how good they look, wishing I could just walk up to the counter and…and just order one…but that would require talking and…and I can’t do much more of that today.

However, no matter how wonderful the pastries look…I can’t shake the man from my head.

I look over periodically to see he’s now standing and tightly holding onto the dog’s handle, like he’s afraid she’ll disappear if he holds it any looser.

My mind tries to put him away, he’s a stranger and could be dangerous, no matter how he looks anyone could be dangerous, including him.

But I can’t get him out of my thoughts.

I sigh, making Alaric look up at me in confusion.

“I’m going to regret this…”

Slowly, cautiously, I walk over to him, the dog at his feet looking in my direction before nudging the man’s leg, causing him to look a bit confused, looking down at her.

“He…Hello?”

He jumps at my voice, the sudden movement causing me to jump as well as I feel my heartrate increase in panic.

The man blinks in confusion, looking from the dog to me.

“Are you talking to me?”

“I-…yes I am?”

He doesn’t respond for a moment before I see him smile and let out a small giggle.

“You sound cute, may I ask your name, piccolo cervo?”

I have no clue what he said or called me, but with the way he smiles and the little flutter my heart gives I don’t think it’s anything bad. The words sounded Italian I think…maybe I should have listened to Matthew the few times he’s spoken Italian.

For the first time in…a very long time…I actually want to ignore the part of my mind that is screaming DANGER at me.

“My name…my name is Ludwig.”

He smiles, putting his hand out, I gently take it after a second of thought.

“My name is Feliciano! Nice to meet you, Ludwig,” he tells me, shaking my hand before dropping it and placing his hand on the dog’s head, “this lovely lady is Noodle, she’s my guide dog.”

I actually smile softly at the name.

‘_Cute_.’

“This is Alaric, he’s my service dog.”

Feliciano gasps, eyes widening as his smile gets even bigger if that’s possible. 

“You have a service dog as well!” He sounds excited, “one of my friends has a service dog too but we haven’t talked in a few weeks since he’s been…since he’s been busy! Oh this is so exciting! I love making service dog handler friends!”  
  
As he talks, I start to realize that this is the longest I’ve spoken to someone other than my therapist, Gilbert, or Matthew in…really since I left public school five years ago, I think.

It’s almost nice.

He frowns a bit, looking a bit confused and sad, “you’re still here right?”

I perk up, “o-oh yes! I was just thinking about something, sorry about not saying anything.”

His smile comes back, “don’t worry it’s fine! Though, um, may I ask your age? I’m sorry about asking, but my brother is kind of vigilant about me talking to older men,” he freezes, going a bit red as he frantically waves his arms around, “not that you sound old or anything!”

“It’s…it’s okay, I’m 22?”

I regret it immediately, quickly scanning the area to make sure no one is around to hear, but we’re the only people close enough to have heard me.

“Oh cool! I’m 23, when’s your birthday?”

I turn my attention back to Feliciano once I make sure it’s safe, or as safe as it can be at least.

“October 3rd.”

For the first time it doesn’t sound like a question, Gilbert and Matthew would be proud of me.

“Neat! Mine is March 17th, my brother and I have the same birthday…although that’s mostly because we’re twins…do you have any siblings, Ludwig?”

I nod, smiling a bit at how excited and happy he sounds, “my older brother.”

“What’s his name? Mine’s is Lovino, he’s 3 minutes older than me and never lets me forget it.”

I chuckle a bit which makes Feliciano’s smile grow more excited.

‘_Almost like he…like he likes my laugh maybe? I don’t understand though, why would someone like him like talking to…someone like me?_’

“His…his name is Gilbert, and he’s…he’s the most important person in the world to me.”

Feliciano’s smile turns sad for a moment, he looks away with a far away look in his eyes.

“Mine is too, I’d probably be dead without my brother.”

I nod in agreement and silence fills the space.

After a moment he sighs, “are you still there, Ludwig?”

I blink, a bit confused.

‘_Does he think I would just…walk away without saying anything?_’

“Yes I’m still here.”

He looks a bit happier as he turns towards the cakes, “do you mind describing some of the cakes to me?”

“I can do that, is it okay if I use color to describe them?”

He nods, “yeah, I don’t remember what color looks like since I lost my vision when I was really young when my-“ he stops mid-word, the faraway look returning for a moment before he shakes his head, “yes color is fine, I associate colors with emotions and such so yes…color is completely okay.”

His smile looks fake, and I can tell whatever he just remembered was traumatic at best.

I don’t push, just look down at the cakes and try to figure out the best way I can describe them.

“Well, one of them is circular and about 8 inches across, it’s covered in a dark red fondant with two white roses on the top on the left and black piping on the sides that make little swirls, another is a what looks to be a 7 by 7 square that’s covered in a light blue fondant with what looks like some grass and clouds on the top, around the sides are a rainbow, um…one of the others is kind of galaxy looking, it’s a circle…maybe 5 inches across…and there’s a mix of black, purple, blue, and pink frosting with little stars,” I describe to him, watching his smile gradually get more and more real as I speak, which makes me happy.

“The first sounds like something my brother made a few months ago, we run a café together with his boyfriend,” he explains, the two of us jump when a phone ringing sounds from his pocket. “That must be him now!” He takes out his phone and presses the screen a few times.

“Hey Feli! I’m here and the groceries are ready, meet me at the front. From, Toni,” a robotic voice reads out, and he sighs.

“Sounds like I have to go, but here,” he hands me his phone, “put your number in, I would love to be able to talk more! If…if that’s okay with you of course.”

I stare from him to the phone in my hand, my mind fighting over what to do.

After a moment, I make the final decision and put my number into his contacts list.

He smiles when I hand the phone back, putting it into his pocket and grabbing Noodle’s handle.

“Awesome! I’ll message you later, okay? Have a nice day and it was nice to meet you!” He waves as he walks off and I stare after him until Alaric nudges my leg as I begin to zone out of the world.

‘_How…interesting_.’

Feliciano and Noodle turn a corner and the two disappear from my sight, but still I watch where they just were, a small smile on my face.

I take a deep breath, grabbing Alaric’s pull strap and leading us to the pick-up counter. 

Mei smiles when she notices me, “wonderful timing! We just finished with your groceries, Jordan and Flynn are going to help you carry everything out, okay?”

I nod, but eye Flynn with caution.

Men make me nervous.

The three of us push out the carts of groceries, Jordan and Flynn loading the trunk while I get Alaric in the backseat, taking off his vest and leash so he’s more comfortable.

I turn towards them, “thank…thank you for help…helping me.” I hand the two of them ten dollars tip, giving them an unsure and nervous smile.

They smile back and thank me, walking back inside as I sigh happily, ready to be back at home.

Making sure the trunk is closed first, I open the driver’s door and start up the car, leaning back in relief.

“Let’s go home, Alaric.” 

The drive is quiet and easy, Alaric falls asleep in the backseat and even I yawn, exhausted from all the socializing.

When we return home, I let Alaric out and unlock the door as quietly as possible. The other seven dogs run to the front door, tails wagging happily as they bark and try to jump on me in excitement.

I sigh in relief, if the dogs were happy and okay that meant no one was in the house and I was safe to enter.

Unloading and putting away groceries is hard when you have seven excited dogs who all want your attention, the only calm one being Alaric who closely followed me until all the groceries were inside, when he goes to curl up by the couch.

Once everything is in its place, I take off my jacket and shoes, breathing for a moment, happy to finally be back home where I’m safe.

I refill everyone’s water bowl and make myself a turkey sandwich, actually feeling like I’ll be able to stomach it for once.

The dogs join me in the living room when I sit on the couch with my sandwich and coffee, which I quickly drink as I’m starting to get tired and I refuse to sleep.

I turn on 101 Dalmatians, a few dogs perk up when they recognize the movie.

Imelda curls up in my lap, all the other dogs close to me, clingy and desperate for attention since I was gone for two hours. They’re all warm, making me feel protected and safe as I curl up on the couch.

The nine of us watch the movie as we wait for Gilbert and Matthew to arrive for dinner.

Halfway through I begin to dose off, so I stand up and walk a bit to try and wake myself up, making more coffee when it doesn’t work.

After three cups I’m finally awake enough.

Once the movie ends, I look at the clock and notice Matthew and Gilbert should be here any minute now, so I turn on a random show since there isn’t time for a movie and clean up my coffee pot and mug, cleaning the few dishes in my sink before I return to the couch, running my fingers through Amara’s fur.

Now we just need to wait until they arrive.


	4. Ludwig

I blink when the doorbell rings, I guess I dissocated for a few minutes while waiting. The dogs run over to the door, barking in excitement, all of them trying to look out the windows to see who was outside. I smile a bit at how silly they are, they do this every time Gilbert and Matthew come over, as if it’s been years since they last saw the two instead of three days. I look down at my phone when it rings with a text from Gilbert.

‘_It’s us, Lud_.’

A warm feeling fills my heart as I use the coach arm to help myself stand, still feeling a little unsteady and out of it from the amount of social interaction I did today as my hands shake violently due to the amount of coffee I’ve had today. I walk towards the door, holding onto the wall to steady myself. I open the door and smile at my brother and Matthew, who smile back at me.

“Hallo Gil and Matthew.”

I move to the side to let them in, but the dogs take my place and attempt to jump onto Gilbert and into Matthew’s lap, making the two of them laugh as they pet the dogs, which makes the eight of them even more excited by the attention.

“Hey little bro,” Gilbert says, ruffling my greasy, definingly not nice to touch, hair, but thankfully he doesn’t have a reaction to how disgusting I know it feels, especially to people who aren’t used to it.

Matthew gives me a soft, sweet smile as Amara attempts to make herself at home in his lap despite being nearly as big as Matthew is. Now that I’m really looking at him, he looks stiff, like every movement is causing him pain, and exhausted, as if he’ll collapse at any moment. 

“Bonjour Ludwig, it is nice to see you again.”

I nod, worrying about him as I lean down so he can give me a quick peck on each of my cheeks as he does every time I see him.

Standing to my full height again, or as full height my slouching allows, I give him a small smile, trying to ignore the nerves and the two of us move to the dining room, where Gil is setting out the Italian food on the table.

It reminds me of Feli, how ironic that Italian is what they choose to bring today.

Amara follows close behind Matthew, sitting beside his wheelchair when he moves to sit in his chosen place at the table where there isn’t a chair, staring at him as he takes off his wheelchair gloves. He finally gives her a few pets once he sets the gloves in his backpack, which makes her tail wag even faster in excitement.

Amara absolutely adores Matthew if you were unable to tell.

“How was your day, Lud?” Matthew asks, serving himself a little bit of salad and nothing else. I serve myself some pasta and salad as Gilbert grabs the three of us glasses of water, worrying about Matthew, knowing he must be in a flare or something.

“It was okay, I went to the store.” I pause as Gilbert walks back in, placing a glass of water in front of Matthew and I before filling his own plate with pasta and salad. I blush a bit, looking to the floor and scratching my arm lightly, “I…I made a…a friend? At…at the store?” I tell them, and both of their eyes light up in excitement.

“Oh that’s so wonderful, Ludwig!”

“Awesome job, Lud! I’m so proud!”

They say the same time, I let out a small chuckle, taking a sip of water.

“How’d you guys start talking? Let me guess, reached for the bread at the same time? You dumped into each other and you dropped your crackers, your hands touched when they went to pick them up when you did?”

Gilbert guesses, and I laugh.

“No, it wasn’t very exciting…I was in the bakery section since my groceries weren’t done and he was just…he was just looking at the cakes sadly and I couldn’t stop thinking about him…so I went over and said hi,” I explain and their smiles turn happy, a nice happy that makes me happy too.

“That’s amazing Ludwig, are you going to continue talking to him?” Matthew asks and I nod.

“I gave him my phone number and he said he would text me later.”

Gilbert looks so happy when I turn to him, like he’s never been prouder of me.

I chuckle in embarrassment, “but what about you guys? How are you?”

They look at one another, Gilbert giving Matthew a smirk that makes the blond roll his eyes. I’ve always found it nice how they can communicate with just a look, it’s…it’s nice.

Matthew looks back in my direction, “it has been okay, I had class and Francis picked me up for a short shopping trip since we haven’t been able to do much together in the last few weeks,” ah, that would explain why he looks so tired, “and I have a group meeting tomorrow so I am excited to attend.”

My mind freezes, and I give him a small smile, hoping he won’t ask the question he always asks me.

“Would you like to come with me, Ludwig? I know you will love all the people there,” he tells me once again, but I shake my head, curling into myself.

“I-I’m…I’m sorry Ma…Matthew bu-but I-I…but I really do…don’t want t-to…t-to join?”

His smile is small and sad as he places a comforting hand on my shoulder, “it’s okay, Ludwig, you don’t have to be nervous about saying no to me,” he says, and I give him an unsure smile.

The table is silent for a few minutes as we eat, Gilbert going for a second serving of pasta before he finally breaks the silence.

“Okay I can’t hold it anymore, Birdie can I please tell him?” He asks, and I look up, confused. Matthew looks a bit confused for a second, eyelids dropping as he fights to stay awake before realization flashes over his face and he smiles softly, nodding. 

Gilbert looks like he’s ready to combust in joy as he turns to me with a huge smile on his face. “Birdie and I are getting married! I asked him yesterday and he said yes!” He exclaims, and my eyes widen, looking from Matthew and Gilbert with a genuine, happy smile.

“Oh that’s wonderful!” I tell them, and they nod, looking at one another with love in their eyes

I came to the realization years ago, when Gilbert first brought Matthew to meet me a few years ago and even back then I knew that they would be together forever, and that I would always be a third wheel for them, but I’m okay with that.

I always have been okay with that.

Love is scary.

Love is dangerous.

I clear my throat, taping my hands on my legs in hopes of warding off any panic. “Any plans for the wedding?” I ask, and they both shrug.

“We thought about talking to Arthur and Francis about having it at the Kirkland estate, but it’s just an idea,” Gilbert tells me, but I can see an unspoken question in his eyes that sends a bolt of fear down my spine.

_“If we have it there, would you come?”_

It’s a loaded question, one filled with uncertainty and a sudden reality to what they just told me, news that should bring nothing but joy now has a depressing undertone.

‘_Will I be able to go?_’

I give him an uncertain smile, “I think anywhere would be beautiful, I’m sure the Kirkland estate would be lovely, and that Francis and Arthur would be thrilled to host your wedding there.”

Matthew and Gilbert both give me a smile in return, and the conversation turns to the proposal story (a walk in the park, Matthew telling Gil a joke and Gilbert just falling to his knee, taking out the ring, and stumbling over the proposal until Matthew screamed yes, all in the middle of the sidewalk where they nearly got hit by a bicycle).

“Hey, Lud?” I look to Gilbert, who is smiling at me, “would you mind if the two of us stayed the night?”

I nod, smiling back, “yeah that sounds great.”

Gilbert clears our dishes, telling Matthew and I to go ahead to the living room while he cleans up the dishes and puts the leftovers in the fridge.

Matthew rolls his eyes, “Gil would you like help, mon ours?”

“No thank you!” Gilbert calls back.

Matthew sighs, “I’m going to grab our bags!” He turns to me, “Ludwig could you go pick out a movie for us to watch, please?”

I nod, and Matthew smiles, moving to the entrance room. I hear the door open and a few dogs run outside with Matthew, making me laugh a bit. I walk to the living room and sit down on the couch, grabbing the remote. I scroll through the movies and decide on Winnie The Pooh, an old favorite of both mine and Gilbert’s.

“Oh fuck yeah!” Gilbert exclaims when he walks into the room and sees what’s on the screen, I give him a smile.

“Alaric, come.” He looks up from his spot on the floor, standing and stretching before walking over to me. I pat my thighs and he jumps up onto me, making himself comfortable across my lap. Berlitz sits at Gilbert’s feet, begging my brother to let him jump onto his lap, which Gilbert, as always, gives into, and Berlitz happily makes himself comfortable.

Matthew comes inside the house with two bags in his lap and three dogs trailing after him, shutting the door behind the four of them. He looks to us, “I’m going to put these up and then we can watch,” he looks at the screen, nodding in approval, “very good choice.”

Gilbert chuckles a bit at his fiancé, looking at me. “I swear to you, Lud, I love him with my entire being, but that boy is-“ “perfect? Wonderful? An angel?” Matthew calls from the hallway, making me laugh and Gilbert sigh, smiling. “That boy is a perfect wonderful angel of course!”

Matthew comes back into the room with an eyebrow raised, “I figured that’s what you were about to say.”

I laugh at the two of them, and they smile at me.

Matthew transfers himself from his wheelchair to the couch, having to take a few deep breaths once he’s situated, looking a little light headed at the action he does multiple times a day.

‘_Must be a flare, transferring from his chair rarely gets him lightheaded enough to actually look like he’s about to faint_.’

“You okay, Liebchen?” Gilbert asks, looking worried.

Matthew nods, “fine, I guess shopping just took a lot out of me today.”

Gilbert looks unsure, “you can go ahead and go to sleep, Ludwig and I won’t be offended.”

Matthew waves him off, his breathing back over control.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

Neither Gil or I believe him one hundred percent, but there isn’t much we can do when Matthew sets him mind to something, so I just start the movie while the dogs crowd around the couch, Amara putting her head in Matthew’s lap, who pets her while half watching the movie.

But, sadly, it’s not Matthew who ends up falling asleep.

Coffee crashes are the worst part about drinking so much of it.

_It’s the cologne that I smell first, followed by visions of the cement floor._

_"Come on Luddy~ just let yourself go~"_

_"No! God please no!" I scream, the sound of distant crying assaults my ears as he grips my hair tightly, pulling my head up from the ground. My eyes are wide as I stare into his dark green eyes, wild with rage, through the mirror he set up. I want to close my eyes, I don’t want to see Him or, even worse, myself._

_But I can’t, he’ll hurt me even more if I look away for even a second._

_"Don't fucking say no to me Ludwig!"_

_He slams my head back into the floor, holding it there. I cry out loudly, vision going dark for a moment as the sound bouncing off the thick walls. _

_He removes his hand from my hair, pulling out a few strands as he does, moving his hand to grip around my neck, squeezing tightly and pining me down._

_I can barely breathe, and I'm so close to passing out, I can just feel it._

_But I try to hold on, not wanting him to have full access to my body._

_It backfires, I can tell what’s about come to by the way I see him smirk down at me in the mirror._

_"Well, since you don't want to pass out, I might as well do it while you're awake~"_

_There’s a knife at my back, blade digging into my skin as I sob, bracing myself._

_But it’s worthless._

_I scream, feeling blood dripping down my legs and back from what will likely become an infection._

_I cry out a few minutes later from my orgasm, crying softly as he pulls out, blood and cum covering the floor and my legs. He hits my ass, it will likely form a bruise._

_"Until tomorrow Luddy~"_

"Shh, Ludwig it's okay mon cher, you're not there anymore, you are home, Alaric is here and so is Gilbert. You love Gilbert, Gilbert is your older brother. I'm here Ludwig, I'm Matthew, your brother Gilbert's fiancé, and I'm here."

‘_No, no, no, Gilbert can’t be here, he can’t have Gilbert too_.’

“It’s okay, love, it’s a nightmare, wake up, Ludwig.”

The feeling of Matthew rubbing small circles in my back makes me flinch away for a moment before I realize where I am. I'm sitting in Matthew’s lap, crying into his hoodie, and I collapse into his arms, my sobbing intensifying as I grab his hoodie in my fists.

I can feel Alaric trying to task, but it’s hard with me curled up in Matthew’s lap.

“Hey Lud, can I touch you? It’s Gilbert, you’re safe, Lud, it’s okay.”

I nod, but still brace myself, relaxing after a moment of him rubbing my back with Matthew.

My eyes widen as I feel it, quickly jumping off Matthew and landing hard on the floor, covering my mouth. It’s a useless action, I still vomit my dinner all over the floor in front of me, narrowly missing Gilbert’s feet.

I start hyperventilating as Matthew whispers calming words to me and Gilbert stands up to get stuff to clean up the vomit.

"Ludwig, deep breaths remember? In...and out. In...and out. That's it..." I try to do as he's saying, breathing in for 6 and out for 4 like my therapist taught me a few years ago.

It takes awhile but eventually I stop crying as hard and my breathing is moderately back to normal.

Gilbert hands me a glass of water, “drink it slowly, okay?”

I nod, taking a few sips, avoiding looking at Matthew or Gilbert.

“Come on, dear, come sit back on the couch, okay? Let’s have Alaric do some deep pressure therapy, see if that helps some more,” Matthew tells me, and I nod, standing on shaking legs before Gilbert can help me. I sit down next to Matthew, Alaric immediately setting his full body weight on me as I decent into sobs once again, burying my face in his fur.

Matthew and Gilbert help as much as they can by rubbing my back and talking to me calmly, reaffirming that I’m safe and they are here.

Slowly I cry myself into exhaustion, falling asleep with my head on Matthew’s shoulder and fingers running through Alaric’s fur.

For once, the sleep is finally dreamless.


	5. Lovino/Gilbert

I watch Feliciano and Noodle leave the café, feeling an emotion I can’t quite identify as I watch them walk away from my sight down the street.

An arm I would know anywhere wraps around my waist and I gently lean against Antonio.

“He’s going to be fine, Lovi, Feli is a smart man, isn’t he?” He asks, and I sigh, moving away from Antonio.

“He is but I…” I shake my head, “I can tell you later, when Julian gets here go ahead and leave for the store to pick up Feli and the groceries, Julian can let me know when you leave.”

Antonio looks conflicted but nods, giving me a quick kiss and gently squeeze on my shoulders before walking back to the counter.

“Are you okay, Lovino?” 

It’s Arthur that asks, and I shrug, turning towards the table of our friends.

“Let us know if you need any help, okay?” Lili tells me, and I smile, thanking her before excusing myself back to the kitchen.

Savannah and Kiara are both working on lunch orders, but I need to frost the cupcakes Feli made, so I give the two of them a small smile and grab what I need before disappearing into a side kitchen where it’s quiet.

Of course I trust Feli, more than anything.

It’s the rest of the world that I don’t trust.

_‘Sixteen is grown up’ I had told myself repeatedly after running away from home, trying to convince myself I would be okay on my own._

_I tried to take Feli with me, but he was scared and refused._

_I didn’t want to leave him, but I couldn’t stand living in the same house as that piece of shit I’m forced to call a father any longer._

_The next month was a drug filled haze that I barely remember after two days on the streets, when I came across the wrong woman and she convinced me to take a drug._

_I don’t know what it was, but it was addictive, and the next month is fuzzy at best since she gave me the drug daily._

_The parts I do remember are cold and scary and filled with yelling from people I don’t know and couldn’t recognize. At one point I remember I had sex, but I was so drugged up I couldn’t give any details outside of that, much less if it happened more times than just that._

_Antonio found me after a month of searching and sent me straight to my grandfather, who immediately sent me to rehab while he and Antonio’s family worked to get Feli away from our father._

_I came home to Feli bruised and traumatized a week after he was taken to Grandpa Roma’s house, but he was safe._

_We were away and our father was in jail._

_We were safe._

_A year later I was proven wrong._

_There were more monsters in the world that would hurt us besides our father._

_And he came in the form of one Kevin Olson._

_I didn’t know the name until eight months after the night Feli came home, just a year away from our father, with a blood stain on his pants and a look that told me exactly what had happened._

_Antonio was with me, we were studying when Feli walked in, shirt missing with cuts and scrapes covering his face._

_He refused to talk at first, until I saw the blood and connected the dots._

_We went to the hospital and the rapist’s DNA was taken and sent to be tested, but I knew the look on Feli’s face._

_The face of a man who looked like he lost everything._

_A face I never wanted to see on my brother, but it was there._

_And there wasn’t anything I could do._

_The hospital filed a police report and for the next five days Feli was endlessly questioned._

_Until Antonio found him with cuts he didn’t intend to survive from._

_The next few hours are a blur of yelling, mostly from me, and hospitals and crying._

_My brother was dying._

_Feli was stabilized but grandpa Roma was told he would need to go to a psychiatric hospital, and so he signed the papers and four days later we dropped him off._

_He was released after two weeks but that haunted look was still in his eyes._

_Feli stopped smiling, he stopped laughing, he stopped going outside._

_He avoided his friends, barely left the room, and refused to let go of his cane, even if he knew the houses layout by heart and could navigate easily without it._

_But it never left his hand._

_As bad as it was, it was during those months that I realized I was in love with Antonio. _

_Who helped me make sure Feli was safe and treated him the same as before, while everyone else walked on glass anytime they communicated with him._

_Who held and let me cry on him when I needed it._

_Feli got better, he learned ways to cope and stopped relying on his cane 24/7._

_I have his therapist to thank._

_Katherine Vatara was a God send._

_Kind and encouraging, she was exactly the person Feli needed._

_Slowly he started doing more._

_Art, cooking, coming with grandpa Roma, Antonio, and I to the café._

_He began hanging out with his friends again and things were looking brighter._

_Then Grandpa Roma died._

_We were 21 and I had just finally started my first semester of college when we received the news that he had a heart attack._

_Feli fell back into depression, and I followed right along with him._

_His nightmares increased to nearly nightly and flashbacks to either our father or The Night became more common._

_After a few days my own nightmares returned. My father screaming at me, threatening to hit me with a bottle of wine, and kicking me in the stomach became a nightly occurrence I couldn’t escape. Feli’s flashbacks would often send me into my own emotional flashbacks, and I was useless to help because I couldn’t help myself._

_Antonio stayed with us the entire time, helping both of us while taking care of the café’s expenses with his parents._

_Two months after the funeral, Feli insisted he wanted to go back to working at the café one night when the three of us couldn’t sleep._

_The following day we reopened the café and started working._

_It became a routine we relied on._

_A year later we bought a new house we could live in to escape Grandpa Roma’s house, which held too many now painful memories._

_Katherine recommended I see a therapist as well and gave me a number of one of her friends, and so for a few months I would have weekly sessions with Jasmine Walters, who told me she didn’t take bullshit from anyone and who I immediately loved._

_Eventually my nightmares lessened, and I could help Feli through a flashback without risking having one myself._

_My ability to trust people got better and Feli and Antonio’s friends became my friends too. _

_I reconnected with my best friend from school, who I had barely talked to since my Grandfather’s death._

_Matthew was excited to hear from me and we met up again, forming our friendship once again._

_Life was good, we were healing, and I’d never been happier._

_Feli came home one day with some news Katherine told him, that she was planning a group therapy for people with disabilities and she was recommending Feli join._

_He did, and our friend pool expanded._

_Feli was back to smiling and laughing._

_But I can still see fear in his eyes, and the scars lining his body, both self-inflected and forced on him._

_Sometimes I’m afraid this will end._

_Something will happen and the smiles and laugher will disappear again._

I shake out of my train of thought when my phone rings with a text from my pocket. I pull it out and see it’s a text from Antonio telling me that he had picked up Feli from the store and they were going home for a quick rest and then they will return.

My eyes widen at the next line.

‘Feli met Ludwig?’

I knew more of Ludwig then actually knowing Ludwig.

He’s Gilbert’s brother who is rarely seen in public. Antonio was a wreck with worry during the time Ludwig was missing and for a few years I stopped seeing Gilbert as much since he was constantly working to support them or taking care of Ludwig. Matthew had also given me some information when I figured out Antonio’s Gilbert and Matthew’s Gilbert were the same person; however it was basic at best.

But I knew enough about him.

I close my eyes, gripping my phone tightly.

“God, please let this be a good thing.”

* * *

Matthew falls asleep shortly after Ludwig, his fatigue finally winning him over. I’m stuck in a dilemma as I watch the two of them sleep. Sleeping on the couch means more pain for Birdie tomorrow, but this is the first time I’ve seen Ludwig sleeping peacefully in…in years really. Moving Matthew would mean waking up Ludwig, and that is the last thing I want.

I sigh, Alaric looking up at me from his position in Ludwig’s lap. I give him a few head scratches and he looks content to go back to sleep, closing his eyes and curling back up into a ball. I stand up, stretching and looking at my brother and fiancé once more, smiling softly at the two of them.

‘They’re safe, nothing can hurt them…everyone is safe.’

It reassures me enough, but I still feel a sense of fear and guilt in my mind as I walk over and turn off the living room light, the tv still on so it’s not too dark for Ludwig in case he wakes up. 

Guilt was a common emotion, it’s always present in my mind.

It’s been that way for years.

_I’d been working late, I wasn’t able to pick up Ludwig from his football practice, but he promised me he would be fine walking home and that I didn’t have to worry._

_It was eleven o’clock at night when I finally got back to our shitty apartment, the best I could afford with my salary, but when I went to make sure Ludwig was okay and asleep in his bed…he was gone._

_I checked everywhere, including locations in the house he couldn’t have ever been in._

_But he wasn’t anywhere._

_I remember the panic being blinding, to a point I couldn’t begin to think straight. _

_Ludwig wasn’t the type to not come home, not like I was when I was his age, and even if he made plans, he always called or texted to let me know._

_Something was wrong._

_I called Francis and Antonio, but neither one knew anything, Antonio suggested the police._

_So that’s what I did, getting back inside my car and drove back to the station where I just finished my shift._

_The officers working were shocked to see me back, but once I explained they were skeptical. They thought Ludwig was just out partying, or maybe he was having sex (looking back, that suggestion makes me want to vomit, now that I know what was really happening). I decided if they didn’t want to help I would go somewhere else, and so I drove twenty minutes to the next station._

_Those officers listened to me, and for the next eight hours we combed through hours’ worth of security footage until we finally saw what happened, and everything in the world caved around me as the reality of the situation became worse than I had ever imagined._

_He was nearly home, just two more streets, when I saw a man following him and pointed it out to the officers watching with me. We watched as the man placed a gun to Ludwig’s head and spoke to him before they eventually got into a truck and drove off. I watched as my brother froze, looking around desperately for anyone to help…but no one was around._

_We followed the truck for as long as it was on the security cameras, but eventually it completely disappeared. _

_I was sure my brother was dead._

_Until one of the officers, a woman named Liliana, told me she recognized the man as one Lutz Dietrich, a serial rapist released from prison seven months ago who had completely disappeared from the radar. _

_Ludwig would be alive, but the reality was worse._

_I demanded more information on him, and she gladly gave it._

_36 years old and a German immigrant who mostly went after German or Polish teens and children. He was arrested after being found guilty of raping a 15-year-old Polish girl six years ago, but was released due to ‘good behavior’. Liliana had no idea how many people he’d gone after, but that she knows the Polish girl was kidnapped for nearly four months before being found._

_I would later learn that Liliana was the Polish girl; when I had asked her why she spoke so highly about hiring me after I was fired from the other police station and she told me that she had wished someone was looking for her as hard as I was looking for Ludwig, that I was a good police officer and an even better man._

_Two other officers named Gavin and Myla would help us with the case, and together the four of us made a perfect team._

_When it came time to storm into where Lutz was hiding, I was scared._

_I had no clue what I would find, if Ludwig would even be alive._

_But one look at Liliana, determined to get revenge against him, made the anger that’s been boiling for the past six weeks double._

_Our official orders were to arrest, but Liliana and I were looking for blood._

_The Deputy Chief, an older man named William Larsen who was active military for 20 years, gave the two of us a look that spoke louder than words._

_‘There will be no punishment if Lutz is killed.’_

_We had a large team behind us, people ready to see this man locked away or dead, and I’d never felt so prepared to take a human life._

_Liliana was the one to break down the door, gun held up and screaming at the top of her lungs in Polish. Lutz exited his kitchen calmly, looking almost confused at the number of officers like the picture of innocence, but we weren’t fooled._

_Not like the law was before._

_His eyes land on Liliana and a soft, dark smile forms on his face as he starts speaking in Polish to her. I understood bits and pieces, welcoming her back to where she belonged and that he was so happy to see her, even if she was older. _

_Liliana was crying, tears rolling down her face as he spoke._

_I don’t know which one of us shot first, but he moved to touch her and suddenly the deafening sounds of two guns firing filled the air. _

_He had collapsed to the ground, bullet wounds in his chest and cheek, but still he smirked at the two of us._

_Like he knew exactly who I was._

_Officers ran to handcuff him, but I was looking frantically around the house for Ludwig._

_The basement door was the last one I checked._

_The lights were off, pitch black down there, but as I opened the door, I heard a quiet whimper that made my blood run cold._

_He was alive._

_I turned the light off and ran downstairs with five officers and paramedics close behind._

_The sight still haunts me, I see it vividly every time I close my eyes._

_Blood, so much of it, covered the floor and walls._

_A mirror was in the corner, cracked but not broken, and a water bowl for dogs was in front of it, filled with water that was infested with insects._

_There was vomit on the floor and a rat ran across the room when we got to the bottom of the stairs._

_Ludwig was curled into a tight ball in one of the corners, blood covering him with scars and cuts along his body. He was sweating but still shivering violently, completely nude as he shielded his eyes from the light._

_I froze._

_I remember falling to my knees as everyone else tended to Ludwig as much as they could._

_I could see the look in his eyes, the look of a man who was broken._

_Liliana got me to stand and told me she would drive me to the hospital so I could be with Ludwig, but I couldn’t respond, I couldn’t do anything._

_This was my fault, if I had just taken off that night, or scheduled my shift for the morning, then I could have just picked him up from football and this wouldn’t have happened._

_But it did happen._

_And I couldn’t do anything about it._

_For the two weeks he was in the hospital, Ludwig would have panic attacks anytime a man walked into or by his room and had nightmares anytime he slept. Flashbacks were multiple times a day, no one could figure out his triggers, so they were almost impossible to try and avoid._

_For the first three days, I was included in the men that would send Ludwig into panic attacks._

_The doctors told me that he knew who I was, but a part of him didn’t believe I was real or that I was a ghost._

_Apparently, Lutz had convinced him that he had killed me._

_Liliana was beyond helpful, helping to make sure Ludwig knew I was real and alive, until Ludwig finally gave me permission to enter the hospital room and he broke down in sobs._

_He dropped out of school and started online high school, but it was hard for him to do anything._

_He refused to see anyone but me, Liliana, and his therapist, a no bullshit woman named Nicole Wagner that agreed to do sessions at our apartment. _

_During that time Ludwig wrote and published his first book._

_Ludwig bought his house two years later with the money he received form writing, a beautiful place with lots of land where the dogs could play._

_It was miles from other people. _

_Ludwig could count on one hand the amount of people he’d seen since leaving the hospital, but when I came to see him and mentioned I had started dating someone, Ludwig agreed to meet them._

_Matthew became the first person outside of Liliana, Nicole, or I that Ludwig would see._

_That’s when I knew Matthew was the one._

The house is silent as I lay in the guest bedroom, though it’s really more of Matthew and I’s room if I’m honest, replaying my memories.

A tear escapes my eye as I stare up at the ceiling, hoping to drift off to sleep like Matthew and Ludwig in the other room.

‘They’re safe, it’s okay, you saved him, Ludwig is safe…everyone is safe.’


	6. Feliciano

“So what were you doing while you waited, Feli?” Toni asks as he pulls out of the parking lot.

I smile, “I was talking with someone, his name is Ludwig and he has a service dog too named Alaric! He described some of the cakes in the bakery to me and was really nice!”

Toni is silent for a moment, and I’m about to ask what’s wrong when he interrupts me. “That’s great, Feli!” He says, but he sounds like the excitement is fake, “it’s nice to make friends, sí?"

I nod, wondering why Toni sounds like he’s unsure how to feel.

“Sì! I got his number too, I'll probably call him tomorrow and see if maybe we can meet up!" I try to sound excited to get Toni happy too, but I don’t think it works.

He chuckles, sounding nervous. “Yeah, maybe…”

I don’t say anything else, just lean against the car window, wondering why Toni didn’t like the idea that I had made a new friend.

…he’s never done this before…maybe it’s not that I made a new friend…

Maybe it’s a problem with Ludwig? 

The rest of the drive home is silent, an uncomfortable silence at that.

The three of us bought the house a year ago. Lovi and Toni had explained that it’s in the middle of a suburb, with red brink and one story tall. They said the yard has flowers and a tall tree that Toni once tried to climb. It’s three bedrooms; one for me, one for Lovino and Antonio, and a guest bedroom that anyone who stays over. There’s a large backyard where Noodle loves to run around and play fetch. There are four trees, one of which is an apple tree, and a garden where we grow multiple types of vegetables and fruits.

I feel us drive into the driveway, and I blink awake.

Must have zoned out for a bit.

I yawn, suddenly really tired.

“You can take a nap if you want to, I’ll let Lovi know we’ll be back in a few hours?” I shrug. I would really prefer to go straight back to the café to work, but I know I won’t be as concentrated while baking if I don’t nap, so it’s the smartest idea even if I don’t really want to. I open the car door and walk around to the backseat where Noodle is at.

“Come on Noodle,” I tell her, reaching to grab her handle and feeling her jump out of the car. I make sure she’s out of the way before closing the door.

I hear some of the grocery bags rustling and move to help, but Toni stops me. “Go ahead and go lay down Feli, I got it.”

I blink, furling my eyebrows in confusion.

‘_Toni never acts like I can’t do something…what’s going on?_’

I don’t respond, just frown and walk towards the front door, taking my key out and unlocking the door. I walk into the living room, taking a deep breath and smiling softly. Home smells of pastries and tomatoes, a strange smell that has become comforting in the months since we moved in.

I let go of Noodle’s handle, not needing her to guide me. I know the layout of the house and can navigate without her or my cane, so she’s currently off duty and can just be a normal dog.

Noodle follows close behind me as I walk to my room, sitting on my bed and taking off her harness, allowing her to get comfortable next to me. I take off my jeans, laying down under my covers and running my fingers through Noodle’s far.

_I gently pet her, closing my eyes and slowly drifting off to the sound of Noodle breathing._

_The street is cold and dark, but I’m still smiling and humming softly, cane in my hand._

_Suddenly I’m grabbed from behind, hand covering my mouth._

_"What are you doing alone beautiful?"_

_There’s the smell of alcohol on his breath and I can barely breathe, thinking about all the times my father would smell the same way._

_I try to fight as he drags me to an unknown location, but it’s useless._

_I’ve never been the strongest person, and I can still this man’s muscles under his jacket._

_He chuckles in my ear, a sound that sends fear down my spine, before pushing me against a wall, my face scraping against it as I gasp._

_“You trying to fight is cute angel, what’s your name, baby?”_

_His hands are traveling down my body, running rough fingers through my hair while he grips my hip in his other hand._

_“None of your business!” I scream, sounding braver than I feel._

_I’m answered with a slap across my face, and the hand in my hair grips a fistful of my hair, pulling my head back._

_“I think you misunderstood me, sweetheart,” his hand moves to my butt and my eyes widen, realizing this was real, this was actually about to happen, “it wasn’t a question, tell me your name darling.”_

_The last thing I want is to give him my real name, so I scream out the first thing that comes to my mind._

_“Luciano!” I sob out, giving up and just falling limp against the wall._

_He chuckles again, I hear him smirking against my ear._

_“Foreign, hm? I’ve always liked Italian boys.” The hand holding my head against the wall lets go of my hair._

_My relief is short lived as both of his hands move under my pants._

_“Now Luciano, let’s have some fun.”_

_I scream. _

“Stop!” I cry out, waking myself from the nightmare.

I’m pretty sure I’m hyperventilating, I can’t get enough air in my lungs and I’m starting to feel lightheaded.

Noodle licks my face as I curl into the corner of my wall on my bed, staring uselessly at my room as I try to listen to anything and everything to see if there’s any danger around me. She nudges my arm, and I realize my arm is burning. I rip my fingernails from the cut, which, by the blood sliding down my arm and the wet patch on my bed, must have been reopened by me sometime during the nightmare.

“Feli!” Antonio sounds panicked as he runs into my room. I hear heavy breathing, but I can’t figure out if it’s me or him.

I shake my head violently as Noodle climbs into my lap, setting all her weight onto me.

“Do…do not come…come any closer,” I order, eyes wide, “I-I…I do not want…I do not want anyone near me.”

I don’t hear anymore movement, just my heavy breathing as I try to return to the present.

Eventually the hands and smell of alcohol fades to the background, tomatoes and pastries and fur return to my immediate notice as I sigh in relief, leaning against the wall as I descend to sobs.

Antonio probably feels useless just standing there, watching me cry.

But I don’t want anyone near me, I just want Noodle and no one else.

After a few minutes of crying I begin to calm down, burying my face in Noodle’s fur and taking a couple extra deep breaths.

“Okay, you can come now, Toni.” He sighs in relief, and I hear him start walking over, sitting on my bed next to me.

“May I touch your arm?” I nod, and he gently grabs it, looking over the cut and blood. “We need to rewrap it…Feli we need to find another way you can react when you have a nightmare or flashback, if you keep opening this cut it will only get bigger, plus it could get infected…”

I don’t reply, just continue petting Noodle and spiraling.

He stands from my bed and I reach out desperately, not wanting him to leave me.

“It’s okay, Feli, I’m not leaving, just going to grab the first aid kit,” he explains, and I reluctantly let go, listening to him walk out of my room.

I curl farther into myself, the suffocating feeling of being alone suddenly overwhelming my mind as I tighten into a ball, softly pushing Noodle off my lap as I fight to not dig my fingers into the cut on my arm.

‘_I’ve already done enough damage, always making Toni and Lovi’s lives harder…I just make everyone’s lives harder_.’

I don’t hear Toni returning to my room, I don’t even realize he’s back until he’s wrapping my arm with bandages.

“You haven’t had a nightmare that bad in a few weeks, Feli…is everything okay? Did…did something happen that could have caused it?” Toni asks, and my eyes narrow.

“This isn’t Ludwig’s fault,” I growl out, and Toni flinches back, pausing his movements.

I move to apologize, I never snap at anyone, but the words freeze in my mouth when Toni sighs, going back to wrapping my arm, but his movements are slower, sadder.

“I know Feli…I just…I used to know a man named Ludwig and…and no one has seen him in many years…I…I miss him a lot,” he explains, and I look down, a few tears escaping my eyes as we go back to silence.

I sniffle a bit, “I’m sorry for yelling, Toni.”

He hums, I imagine he has a small smile on his face as he does do, “it’s okay, Feli…it’s nice to hear you stick up for your friend.” I nod as he finishes wrapping my arm, “would you like me to call Lovi and tell him that you can’t come in?”

I shake my head violently, holding my arm to my chest.

He sighs, “okay Feli, that’s fine, how about some ice cream then? I know it’s cold outside, but I think ice cream could make it better? At least a little bit?” 

Toni is trying, so I give a small smile and nod, “with gummy bears?”

He chuckles, “of course, couldn’t have it any other way.”

I move from the corner, but Toni has to help me put on my pants and shoes due to how much I’m shaking. He grabs me a new shirt since the other one was drenched in sweat, and I put that one on by myself, not wanting Toni to do anymore for me than he has to.

I hear his phone go off in the other room as he ties my shoes. “Go ahead and get your phone, Toni, I’ll still be here,” I tell him, and he pats my leg, standing up.

“Okay, I’ll be right back Feli.”

He walks out of the room, I gently run my fingers through Noodle’s fur to continue grounding myself, still not fully present from my nightmare.

I look up when Toni laughs, talking rapidly in a mix between Portuguese and Spanish. He says goodbye to the person on the other end of the phone before walking back to the room.

“Guess what Feli! I have great news!” He tells me, crouching down to finish tying my shoes.

I smile, “what is it?”

“Erico got an earlier flight here and will be arriving tomorrow for Christmas!”

My smile turns more genuine. “That’s great! What time should he get here?” 

Erico is Antonio’s twin brother who officially lives a few hours away. They’ve talked about him living closer for health reasons, but Erico absolute loves traveling and hates the idea of living in one place for any longer than he needs to. So, him and his service dog Henry are always on the move, seeing new and exciting places.

Toni stands back up, “I’ll go pick him up during your group meeting, so you might have to drive to the café with someone afterwards.”

I nod as we walk out of my room after putting Noodle’s harness on her. I’m relying on her to get around the house way more than I normally would, but I’m hoping Toni doesn’t notice and ask about it.

Luckily, it seems he doesn’t notice the way I’m tightly gripping Noodle’s handle.

Toni opens the front door for us, and we walk out into the cold once again. Once the car is unlocked, I put Noodle in the backseat, closing the door when I know she won’t get hit with the door.

I climb in the car as Toni starts it, buckling my seatbelt.

“Already, ice cream first?” I nod.

“Yep, then to the café.” I’m feeling a lot better compared to before, but my mind is still spiraling a little bit as I run my fingers over my newly bandaged arm.

Toni turns on the radio and a pretty sounding Spanish song fills the car. 

Both Lovi and Toni are fluent, obviously Toni is since he and his parents are from Spain, however Lovi loves to deny it for a reason only Lovi seems to understand. I’m still learning, however I can understand most of the song, so at least there’s that.

“…Toni?” I hesitate to ask, but I really want to know.

“Yeah Feli?”

I sigh a bit, crossing my legs in the seat. “Do you know anyone that speaks German?”

He’s silent for a moment before answering, “Gilbert does…are you interested in learning?”

I nod, and he lets out a small, breathy laugh.

“Is this because of Ludwig? Maybe…maybe he could teach you…?” He sounds unsure but I gasp, going to pull out my phone.

“That’s a great idea! Siri call-“ but I don’t get far, as Toni cuts me off.

“Hold on Feli.” I stop, confused.

“Why?”

He lets out a little laugh, “how about you call him tomorrow?”

I think for a moment, shrugging. “I guess so, I’ll call him tomorrow.”

The radio is turned back up for about two seconds before Toni’s phone rings and it goes back down.

Toni sighs, “it’s Mathias, one moment Feli…hello?” It’s quite for a second before Toni speaks again, sounding surprised. “Lukas? Is Mathias okay?” He sighs after a moment, “yeah I’m not doing anything super big, do you need me to do something? Alright I’ll be there in a bit, I’m guessing everyone else is busy?” He laughs a bit, “okay I’ll be there soon, I’ve got Feli with me by the way…okay…bye Lukas.” He sighs, “we have to make two more stops before the café, Mathias is having an episode and Lukas needs someone to go to the store to grab some stuff he can get Mathias to eat, he said everyone else is out.”

I frown, “is Mathias okay?”

“He’s fine; he’s just having a flare, so Lukas wants us to get some stuff that would be easy to digest and hopefully keep down since he’s basically vomiting up anything he tries to eat,” Toni explains, and I cringe, vomiting always makes me squeamish.

“Poor Mathias…” 

The rest of the drive to the ice cream shop is just filled with Spanish and Italian music, I realize halfway through that it’s the playlist Lovi made for Antonio a few years ago that has songs they both love on it. One of Toni’s mom’s had told Lovi one night that music was a family tradition, and within a month Lovi had created a playlist full of Spanish and Italian songs that held some sort of meaning for the two of them. 

I remember thinking how cute that was.

Toni parks the car and I unbuckle my seatbelt, “okay, let’s run it, and we need to hurry, okay Feli?” I nod, opening the car door and getting Noodle from the backseat. Toni opens the door for me, and I shiver, walking inside as some of the stronger smells hit my nose. I know the general layout of the shop, walk straight about ten steps to reach the counter, tables and chairs on both sides around the walkway.

“What can I get you, sir?” An older woman asks once I reach the counter, and I smile.

“Could I have a single scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup with gummy bears? Toni do you want anything?” I ask, and Toni hums.

“Could I have a single scoop of strawberry with rainbow sprinkles, also in a cup?” The lady doesn’t respond so I guess she nodded, as I hear her opening the containers and grabbing the metal scooper.

I turn towards Toni, “that’s Lovi’s order, you don’t want anything?”

He chuckles, “nope, just you and Lovi, two of the most important people in my life.”

I smile, leaning against him for a moment.

“Here you go, sir.” I move to turn to grab it, but Toni interrupts me.

“I got them, Feli.”

I sigh, putting my hand down. People always hand stuff or talk to the person I’m with once they realize I’m blind. Noodle always gives it away, the lovely bastard she is.

Toni pays as I eat a few spoonsful of ice cream, smiling around the spoon.

Delicious, as always.

“Okay, lets go Feli,” Toni says, and I follow him out to where I know the entrance is. Once again, he opens it for me and I walk out, opening the backseat door when he unlocks the car and letting Noodle inside.

The music gets turned back on as Toni and I get into the car, however no one talks as I eat my ice cream.

A few minutes later, Toni parks the car and sighs.

“Okay Feli I’ll be right back, lock the doors after I leave, okay?” I nod and he opens the door, stepping out and closing it.

I hum along to the music, able to sing along since it’s a song I know. I finish my ice cream and put it in the empty cup holder.

“That was some good ice cream, Noodle,” I tell her, giving her a few head scratches as she leans into the touch, always wanting more attention.

I turn when five knocks sound on the driver’s door, Toni, Lovi, and I’s code to let me know it’s just them at the door. I unlock the door and Toni steps inside, setting a bag at my feet.

“Welcome back, Toni.”

He laughs, “thanks Feli, now let’s go.”

The drive to the Nordic household is short, Toni pulls to a stop and turns off the car.

“You want to come in, Feli? Lukas told me that Mathias fell asleep, so he won’t be able to talk and everyone else is out doing something.”

I nod, “I want to say hi to Lukas.”

The two of us climb out of the car after I hand Toni the bag, I get Noodle from the back of the car and let her guide me to Toni, who is standing at the front door. He knocks, and just a moment later the door opens.

“Yikes, Lukas you look like shit,” Toni says, and my eyes widen, shocked.

Toni never says stuff like that, so it must really be true.

Lukas chuckles, “I am aware, you missed the idiot, passed out a few minutes ago after vomiting up half his body weight.” Lukas’ voice sounds cold and emotionless, but you can hear faint worry and amusement if you know what to look for.

Luckily, I do.

“Ciao Lukas!” 

“Hallo Feliciano, how are you today?” He says as Toni and I enter the house, he closes the door behind us.

I remember my nightmare and cringe, but put on a smile anyways. “I’m okay, we’re heading to the café after this, so I am excited to bake some more,” I tell him.

“Ah, I am sorry we have not been able to come recently, it has been a…rough week for everyone.”

‘Rough week’ is an understatement. Lovi told me Emil had been in the hospital for a few days after a partially bad mass cell reaction, where he had been placed on a nasal feeding tube, which only extended the hospital stay due to him being malnourished without anyone knowing. Not only that, but Mathias started a flare, Lukas’ had multiple deadlines to meet, Berwald got the flu, which led to Peter, Toni, and Leon also catching it.

For the most part, everything but Mathias’ flare had gone back to normal, but I imagine Lukas is still exhausted from everyone being sick in one way or another and his job baring down on him.

“Sorry to hear that, is everyone okay now?” I ask, and he sighs.

“Other than Mathias yes. Tino, Berwald, and Peter are at the park to burn some of Peter’s energy and Emil and Leon went to take Hundur on a short walk, Emil decided he was done being inside,” Lukas explained just as the front door opened again.

“Talking about me again, Lukas?” A voice I recognize as Emil’s asks, and I smile.

“Ciao Emil!”

“Halló Feliciano.”

Loud dog paws tap on the floor as Hundur walks over to Noodle, the two of them sniffing one another. I chuckle, letting go of Noodle’s handle and scratching her head.

“Sorry to hear about the hospi-“

“It’s not a big deal, it’s not the first time it happened and it’s not going to be the last,” he tells me, and I shrug.

“Leon I am tired,” Emil says.

I smile, “hi Leon.”

“Hey Feliciano,” he greets, “think you are, like, fine to walk?”

Emil snorts, “we live in a two-story house, I have to walk no matter what.”

I can practically hear Leon rolling his eyes, “smartass, I mean, should we, like, leave the wheelchair down here or do you, like, want to bring it upstairs?”

“Leave it downstairs,” Emil says, and I hear him standing from his wheelchair, “come on Hundur, let’s go upstairs.”

“Where’s Mathias?” Leon asks, and Lukas sighs.

“Upstairs asleep for the next lifetime, by the way, do not go anywhere near our room, he had another vomiting episode and it has not faded.”

“Yeah, we will be avoiding that, come on Hundur.” I hear Emil go up a few steps before someone runs over. He groans, “calm down Leon, I’m not going to fall.”

Leon snorts, “you, like, said that last time, but guess what? You fell anyways.”

“Ready to go, Feli? We should let Lukas rest,” Toni says, and I nod.

“Thank you for bringing this, I am not allowed to leave him, and I did not want anyone else to watch him while I went to get it,” Lukas explains, and I smile.

‘_I didn't want to leave him because I’m worried about what will happen if I do_.’

Lukas shows his love in weird ways, but once you learn how to read between the lines, you can see how much he loves Mathias and the rest of their odd family.

“Alright, thanks for having us over for a bit, Lukas, we need to get back to the café, Lovi is wondering what’s taking so long,” Toni tells him, and I chuckle, classic Lovi.

“Thank you, Lukas,” I say, grabbing Noodle’s handle and allowing her to guide me to the front door.

“Be careful, and I promise we will visit sometime this week, Emil might be at group tomorrow however I have no idea about Mathias,” Lukas tells me, and I nod, smiling at him.

“Bye!” I say as Toni shuts the door behind us.

We climb into the car with Noodle in the back, and I sigh.

“Lukas is always busy, he’s so strong.”

Toni sighs, “he really is, both with his younger brother and boyfriend being chronically ill, having to take care of Peter when Berwald and Tino are working, not to mention his editing job, I probably would have collapsed from stress and worry.”

I nod, “me too…but he manages everything so well…I’m almost jealous of his abilities.”


	7. Ludwig

I wake up to the smell of coffee, sitting up from the couch and stretching, confused as to why I’m on the couch in the first place when Matthew enters the living room, a plate with two mugs balancing on his legs.

He smiles when he sees I’m awake, handing me one of the cups, which is filled with hot coffee.

“Good morning, Ludwig,” he says, and I nod, smiling around the mug as I take a long sip.

“Morning, Matthew, thank you for the coffee.”

He hums, petting Amara, who is, like always, desperate for his attention.

“Gilbert is getting dressed for work at the moment, we’ll probably leave in maybe thirty minutes? But I think Gilbert mentioned coming back next Tuesday, if that’s okay?” He asks.

I nod, “that sounds like a good plan…but I-“ I sigh, thinking about Feliciano and how I was actually happy talking to someone.

Someone who I could relate to, at least a little bit.

Matthew takes a sip of what I’m sure is tea, looking at me as I gather my thoughts and try to decide if I’m actually about to do this.

Eventually, Feliciano seems to decide for me.

“I…I was thinking about…about going with…with you to…to group?” I say, and Matthew seems to light up, smiling brightly at me.

“Oh that’s wonderful, Ludwig! Everyone is so nice, I’m sure you’ll love it!” His smile softens, “and you don’t need to worry about sharing anything if you don’t want to talk, Ms. Katherine is very adamant that you only have to add to the conversation if you want to; no more, no less.”

I smile back unsurely, taking a sip of my coffee as I look away from him, closing in on myself a little.

The two of us finish our drinks in silence, until Gilbert struts in, smirking in his police uniform. He’s been on the force since graduating high school, but he’s currently training to become a K9 officer, and should be paired with a dog soon that he’ll be in charge of training and raising to be a police dog.

Matthew wolf whistles, winking at his fiancé as Gilbert strikes a pose, winking back.

I smile, rolling my eyes at the two of them.

“Gilbert guess what!” Matthew starts, and I look away again, finishing my coffee while hiding behind the cup, “Ludwig agreed to give group a try!”

I sneak a peek to see Gilbert smiling at me, walking over and ruffling my hair a bit.

“That’s great, kiddo! Everyone in the group is super nice!” He tells me, and I nod, chuckling a bit.

“So you guys have been telling me…”

I look down at myself, cringing a bit at my dirty, unwashed long sleeve shirt and sweatpants. Not to mention my hair is disgusting.

“Should...should I shower?” I ask, and Matthew shrugs.

“If you would like to, however it’s not a requirement, there have been multiple times where people were…not looking their best, hell, I’ve been that person quite a few times, so it will be perfectly fine if you don’t.”

I hesitate.

On one hand, I don’t want to look disgusting…on the other hand, I want to take a shower even less.

Showers require nudity, they require looking down at yourself.

I don’t have the ability to do that today.

“How about I…I do the dry shampoo an-and change…change clothes?” I suggest and they smile.

“If that’s what you want to do, Lud.”

I nod, standing and walking to my room, Alaric following behind me.

Dry shampoo is a necessity in my life, when showers are impossible, but my hair is impossibly greasy and gross.

I choose another, though now clean, long sleeve shirt with sweat pants and Matthew’s hoodie he gave me before sighing and walking back to the living room, not bothering to look in the mirror.

I’ll only hate what I see.

Matthew and Gilbert both smile when I walk back into the living room.

“Looking great, Lud, now let’s get you two to group!”

I grab Alaric’s vest and leash, following them out the door and locking it behind me.

Gil stands ready to help Matthew if he needs it, but I guess Matthew is feeling better today since he transfers from his chair to the car with minimal issues. Gilbert puts the chair in the trunk as Matthew turns on the radio, a song I don’t know filling the air.

He changes the station a few times before finally settling when Gil gets into the driver’s seat, leaning back in the passengers’ sear and relaxing. Alaric lays his head in my lap, and I slowly pet him as we drive away from home.

My safe place.

The drive is easy with zero traffic, and soon enough we’re in front of a plain, four story building with multiple windows.

Gilbert gets Matthew’s wheelchair as I stare at the building, a feeling of dread covering me. Alaric licks my face a bit, which brings me back to reality before I could full leave it, and I sigh, petting him a few times before opening the door and stepping out.

Matthew gets himself in his chair, looking up once he’s situated so Gilbert can give him a quick kiss.

“Okay you two, I’ll be back in an hour, then we can go get food afterwards if you guys want, okay?” We nod, waving to Gilbert, who gets back into his car and drives off, blowing Matthew a kiss before he disappears from sight.

I follow closely behind Matthew as he rolls up the wheelchair ramp, Alaric walking alongside me. I notice two men also walking in, both of which have short blond hair, the shorter of which is holding a white cane in his hand. The taller notices us, more specifically he notices Matthew, and immediately light up, getting the others attention, who also looks happier at the sight of Matthew despite still frowning. Matthew waves as they stop and wait for us. I attempt to make myself invisible, suddenly realizing just what I had agreed to do.

And all over a man I met in a grocery store.  
  
“Matthew! Mon beau bébé! Comment allez-vous, mon cher?” The taller says, Matthew rolls his eyes.

“Je vais bien, papa, still the same from yesterday when you saw me,” he replies, and the man places his hand over his heart in mock hurt.

“I cannot ask you every da-?” His eyes turn to me and recognition flashes in his eyes. The shorter man looks confused at the sudden pause, before he too focuses on me a bit more, and his expression turns to one of shock.

I fidget uncomfortably as they assess me for a moment, before the taller breaks the silence.

“Mon Dieu…” he steps a bit closer and I take a step back, Alaric walking in front of me to keep the man at a distance, “little Ludwig?”

I freeze, only two people in my life have called me that.

My eyes trail over the two and I begin recognizing the taller one. He looks older, aged from stress, and his hair is way shorter but there’s no doubt…this is definitely…

“Francis?”

He smiles, “oh I am so happy you remember me! I haven’t seen you in years! How are you doing, mon cher? And this is Arthur in case you don’t remember, he was the British git I complained about for so long, oui? Now look at us!”

I never met Arthur, but I do have a distant memory of Gilbert telling me about ‘Franny dating some British ass named Arthur’ and Francis talking (complaining) about an Arthur, so this must be him.

“I remember a little bit…and I am…I am okay?” I answer, “did…did you cut your hair?”

He turns sad, and a wave of regret washes over me, “not by choice I fear, cancer diagnosis a few years ago, however I was deemed free of it a few months back, though I lost all of my beautiful hair to it.”

I frown, regretting saying anything and already wishing I was back at home where I can’t embarrassment myself or make anyone else sad like I am now. 

“I’m…I’m sorry to hear that.”

He smiles, “but let’s not talk about such sad things, oui? I need to check in on things at my restaurant, but you can speak with Arthur during group about what has been happening with us in the last few years, since apparently Gil has not kept you up to date on the drama.”

I shake my head, “no…he hasn’t really.”

I don’t mention that I specifically asked him not to say anything about my ‘before life’, including any people I might have known.

“Do not worry, little Ludwig, Arthur here loves to recount the wedding day,” he says with a smirk that says Arthur does not actually enjoy recounting the wedding day for some reason, but I nod anyways. “Very good, Arthur I will meet you at the café correct? Isn’t everyone going there after group?”

Arthur nods, “that seems to be the plan, frog.”

Francis doesn’t seem affected by the insult, just smiles even brighter and kisses Arthur softly. “Wonderful, mon petit lapin,” he says before walking off back to what I assume is their car.

“I apologize for him, that git has no sense of reading the bloody room,” Arthur says, “lovely to finally meet you in person, Ludwig, Francis has missed you these last few years.”

I don’t know if I believe that, but I nod anyways.

“I have…missed him as well?”

He smiles softly, chuckling a bit, “thank you, love, I’m sure he would be happy to hear that, but it is fine if you had more important things to worry about.”

Matthew places a comforting hand on my arm, “Ludwig decided to join me for group today.”

Arthur nods, “ah yes, we should enter, I imagine everyone else is already here.”

Matthew and I follow Arthur, walking down the hallway until we reach one of the rooms with an open door. The room has a dozen chairs in a circle and filled with people that I don’t recognize sitting or standing, all chatting with one another.

However, there is one person I definitely recognize…

“Feliciano?” 

He turns and his smile brightens.

“Ludwig? Is that you?” He asks, looking in my direction. Noodle, who is sitting at Feliciano’s feet, is looking at Alaric and I with interest.

I turn to Matthew, but he’s currently distracted by Arthur, so I walk a bit closer to Feliciano, sitting in the empty chair next to him.

“Yes…it’s me.”

He hands out his hand, and, without knowing exactly why, I take it in my own hand. I go stiff when he gives me a short hug, letting go and moving away before I could properly react. He looks happy, practically glowing as he looks at me with a huge, cheerful smile.

“I was planning on messaging you yesterday after the store, but Toni said that I shouldn’t call you until today! So I decided that I would today after group, but now you are here!” He seems to be bouncing in his seat a bit as he talks, getting more and more animated with his hands, “I had no idea you came to group! I figured I would notice someone as amazing as you but maybe my senses aren’t as good as I thought…oh crap, am I making you uncomfortable? I’m sorry if I did, please tell me if I start going on forever, Lovi says I talk a lot when I’m excited and forget to think about what I say.”

I quirk a smile, “no I’m not uncomfortable…an-and I…I don’t normally come to group…I came with my brother’s fiancé? Matthew?” 

Feliciano’s eyes narrow in thought, “Matthew…Matthew…oh yes! Matthew is very nice and-“ he pauses, looking to be thinking before he tilts his head in confusion, “you said Matthew was engaged to your brother? Your brother Gilbert?”

“Um…yes?” I’m confused, but suddenly something he said started clicking in place.

‘_Wait…did…did he call his brother Lovi?_’

“Gilbert is my brothers’ boyfriends’ best friend! I can’t believe I didn’t realize before! You and Gil have the same accent and he’s always with his brother and telling us about how amazing you are! I’ve heard Lovi and Toni talking about you! Same with Arthur and Francis!”

“And your brother is my brothers’ fiancés best friend…”

Feliciano nods, smiling. “It’s like we’re all connected! How crazy is this?”

There’s a weird feeling in my mind I can’t place, but I laugh softly anyways. “It’s…it’s really crazy, Feli,” I freeze, “o-oh I’m…I’m sorry, may I…can I call you Feli? Is…is that okay?”

He nods, “of course! All my friends call me Feli! And since you are my friend you are fully allowed to call me Feli as much as you want!”

“Sorry I’m late everyone, my daughter was invited to a playdate and both Daniel and Miriam are working so I needed to take her,” a woman says, walking into the room and closing the door behind her. She looks to be in her late thirties or early forties, short at maybe 5’3 even with her heels, and looks vaguely Middle Eastern, with dark curly hair that reaches her mid back and brown eyes that almost look gold. 

“Hi Ms. Katherine!” A few people say, and she smiles, sitting in the circle. Everyone joins, either sitting in a chair or staying in their wheelchair.

She looks around until her eyes land on me, smiling softly before moving on, possibly taking a headcount.

“Emil, where’s Mathias today?” The woman, who must be the Katherine Matthew told me leads the group, says to a teen boy sitting in a wheelchair, an absolutely huge dog next to him. 

Emil(?) frowns and rolls his eyes, “last time I checked he was asleep with a trashcan of vomit next to him, Lukas hasn’t messaged anything new, so I imagine he’s still there.”

Katherine frowns sadly, “let him know I send him my best wishes and for Lukas to let me know if he needs any help.”

Emil gives her a thumbs up and that’s the obvious end to the conversation.

“Okay, so I noticed we have a new person and to make him feel more comfortable, how about everyone quickly introduce themselves? You can just say your name or some more information if you want to,” she smiles at me, “I will start, hello and nice to meet you, my name is Katherine, I’m 41 years old, have been a therapist for around 15 years now, and my partners and I recently adopted our third child.”

The person to her left is a man wearing a long, pale scarf. He’s obviously tall, and his smile doesn’t reach his eyes as he looks in my vague direction, “my name is Ivan and…and it is nice to meet you.” He looks unsure and almost like the greeting was rehearsed.

Next is a man with shoulder length blond hair that has what looks like a shotgun strapped to his back. No one seems surprised by the gun so it must be normal, but I’m still a bit uncomfortable at the possibilities. “My name is Vash.” He doesn’t say anymore than that, but the man on his left rolls his eyes.

“Excuse him, it was his turn to wake up with Alexander this morning since our other husband had to go to an early meeting at university, so he is more grouchy than normal. My name is Roderich,” he says, and I nod.

Emil sighs, “my name is Emil, my brother’s boyfriend is normally here as well but he’s currently passed out in their bed, and this is Hundur.” The dog looks up at his name and I try not to visibly show my confusion at the name, since it’s pretty similar to the German word for dog.

‘_Did…did he just name his dog…Dog?_’

The next is a teen girl with glasses and her thick blonde hair in a long braid over her shoulder, who types onto her phone before setting the volume as high as it can go and pressing one more button. “Hello, my name is Camille, I am Autistic and non-verbal, so I use text to speech and American Sign Language to communicate,” the phone says in a feminine voice, and Camille nods, placing the phone back in her lap.

“_I know some sign if you prefer it_,” I sign to her and she smiles a bit, humming a short tune before replaying.

“_I mostly use the phone here since Arthur and Feliciano cannot see what I’m signing, but I will keep it in mind_,” she explains and I nod, rocking a bit in nervousness.

She gently nudges Arthur, who clears his throat before beginning. “Hello, my name is Arthur, it is lovely to meet you,” he says, smiling a bit in my general direction.

“Okay my turn! Hi! My name is Feliciano, I am 23 years old and I run a café with my twin and his boyfriend,” Feli tells me, and I smile.

I expect Matthew, who is sitting next to me, to introduce himself but instead he’s looking at me in encouragement, smiling.

My heart stops for a second as I realize what he wants, but I try to remind myself that everyone has been…nice so far, and everyone seemed…moderately trustworthy.

‘_Lutz cannot come back…you are safe, you can tell them your name…_’

I take a deep breath, “my…my name is Ludwig.”

A few people wave, and Katherine smiles at me, making me smile back softly in relief.

‘_She is good at making people feel safe_.’

“My name is Matthew as you know, Ludwig.” A few people laugh a bit, they must have put it together that Matthew was the one who brought me to the group to begin with. 

The man next to Matthew looks very similar to him, however the man has lighter hair and eyes and is noticeably muscular.

Not to mention he’s covered in burn scars, I realize even before he begins talking who this must be.

“And last but not least is myself, hi there Ludwig! My name is Alfred and apparently we will be related soon enough because your brother is marrying my bother!” The room erupts in congratulations for Matthew, who blushes and waves them off, once everyone realizes what Alfred means.

“Oh that’s wonderful, Matthew! How did the proposal go? Are you excited?” Katherine asks, and Matthew laughs.

“The proposal was a mess but I’m incredibly excited, so is Gil,” Matthew says, and Alfred groans, leaning against Matthew dramatically.

“I still cannot believe you, Mattie! First the secret dating, then the secret proposal, what’s next? Eloping to Hawaii? Unbelievable for my own twin to betray me like this!” Alfred exclaims, making everyone laugh.

I’d only heard of Alfred vaguely, that Matthew had a twin brother that was basically Matthew’s opposite who was caught in the house fire that killed their mom and was severely burned as a result…but seeing them interact, seeing people I realize I vaguely recognize from school happy and laughing, I begin to realize what I’d been rejecting and ignoring since telling Gilbert I didn’t want to hear anything about my old life or the people I used to know lives.

Seeing the way Matthew (_and Feli_) smile and laugh with their friends…a part of me yearns to have something like that in my life again.

One look at Alaric and he seems to agree.

‘_This…this was way more eye opening than I thought it would be_.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relevant Information That is Not Mentioned in this Version-  
Ivan and Vash both have PTSD from watching their sisters being killed (Katrya in Ivan's case and Vash's twin, Elana, in Vash's case), in addition, Ivan is also Autistic.  
Roderich's right arm is amputated from above the elbow down and he has PTSD due to what caused it.  
Emil is chronically ill if you couldn't guess from the previous chapter.  
Specifics such as how Roderich lost his arm will be touched on in the future, but for the moment this is all I'm revealing.


	8. Feliciano

Since Matthew announced him and Gil’s engagement, Ms. Katherine decided to have the meeting be about having relationships, rather they be romantic, platonic, or familiar, while disabled. Everyone but Ludwig shared for at least a little bit.

Alfred talked about how, before Kiku and this group, he was terrified no one would love him or even want to be near him other than Matthew, Francis, and Arthur, and that he would be left behind in life and never be happy since having a family with a partner and kids was always something he wanted.

Ivan shared how, after losing Katrya and being abandoned by his parents with Natasha to care for, he was terrified everyone he loved would leave him in one way or another, and even believed he was directly responsible for the reason his sister was killed and his parents left and was terrified of hurting other people, purposely or not. 

Emil’s was the longest. He told everyone how he’s always afraid of seeming like a burden to his family, especially Lukas and Leon, and that even though he tries to be independent to lessen their stress, it’s impossible when you live with multiple debilitating illnesses that make you rely on other people. He mentions how much he loves and appreciates his family, even if it doesn’t always seem like it, but he sometimes wonders if their lives would be easier if he didn’t exist. He says how he sometimes sees ableist comments on his and Leon’s videos about how Leon should date someone that isn’t so broken, and that Leon could do better, and that he sometimes thinks it’s true.

Arthur said how many people at school would bully him and tell him that he would always be alone and unloved by everyone, rather it was because he was going blind or his personality, how Francis, Matthew, Alfred, and even his siblings (“no matter how much of arseholes they are”) helped to change that point of view.

Camille talked about her extended family never believing she could succeed, and would be a disappointment to the Laurent family since she ‘wouldn’t be able to marry or produce an heir’. She said it made her sad, but she knew it wasn’t true either, since her parents loved her, and Michelle was the best woman in the world.

Vash’s was short, how he became overly protective of Lili and constantly paranoid to the point it strained their relationship until her, Roderich, and Lars pushed him to try therapy.

Roderich’s was also short since he never really thought that he was unloved or would have trouble with any relationships due to his disability, other reasons yes, but by the time the car accident happened, his parents were both already dead and him, Vash, and Lars had been married a week. He explained how his friends and husbands stuck by his side during physical therapy and the resulting PTSD, and it was then that he realized he was loved.

Matthew shared that when he realized he was getting sick but was hiding it from everyone, he was terrified everyone would leave him once they found out the truth. That once his mom died and Alfred was in the hospital, he pushed himself too far and “you all know what happened next.” He explained how once his dad died as well, he decided his fears were true and everyone was going to leave. Francis and Arthur adopting him changed that, so did meeting Gilbert, but the fears came back when Francis was diagnosed with cancer. He was afraid no one would want him once they realized he was not only a liar, but a disabled one too. “Luckily,” he said, “I was proven wrong.”

Mine was the shortest.

I really only shared to make Ludwig feel it was okay, but relationships…relationships aren’t something I enjoy talking about. I talked about Lovi and Toni, and how I’ve always had friends but sometimes was considered too trusting, but not about how much I fear the idea of losing everyone, how I’m convinced everyone would realize what a burden I am and leave me alone.

Katherine talked everyone through it, and everyone gave encouraging words when they could, and by the end of the hour we were back to laughing, though not as loudly, and smiling, because we know this is a place where we are loved for who we are.

Once it’s over, Camille offers to give Arthur and Emil a ride to the café, but Emil says Leon just messaged him that Mathias is feeling better and him, Lukas, and Leon will be picking him up in about five minutes.

I turn towards Ludwig, who has been mostly silent the entire time other than one or two small comments for Matthew, “would you like to come to the café with us, Ludwig? I’m sure Gil and Matthew would love to come along, and I would love to introduce you to my brother! Lovino will absolutely love you!”

He doesn’t respond and I move to apologies, but he answers before I can get one word out. “H-How…how many people are…how many people are normally in…in the café?”

I think for a moment, trying to remember what Lovi had told me about what the day looks like during this time on Saturdays. “Um…maybe half full? Nor super busy or loud…unless it’s us, and I think everyone is coming since Mathias is feeling better and Toris and Feliks returned from their trip this morning,” I explain.

Ludwig doesn’t reply for a moment, “I…I’ll talk to Matthew and Gil? Gil said we could…we could get something to eat after the group so…so maybe we could…we could stop by?”

I smile, nodding.

“Awesome! Alfred is driving me so you guys can just meet us there, okay? It’s called ‘Vargas Café’, Gil and Matthew know where it’s at.”

“Ludwig? Gilbert is here, you ready to go?” I hear Matthew ask.

“Um, do you think we could…we could go eat at Feli’s café? Gil mentioned…he mentioned going to eat and I…I-I thought that would be a good idea? He and his brother own it?” Ludwig asks, and Matthew hums.

I hear someone chuckle, however it doesn’t sound like Ludwig meaning it must be Matthew. “You mean Lovino? Yeah that actually sounds great…I haven’t been able to talk with him for a few weeks, it would be great to see him,” Matthew says, sounding a bit sad.

I smile, “oh yeah! Lovi has talked about wanting to see you for a couple of weeks, he said he’s worried about you.”

Matthew’s chuckle sounds sad, forced, like he’s trying to keep a good mood in the conversation despite himself not being happy, “I’ll let him know that…that everything is okay.” The way he says it makes it seem like everything is definitely not okay, but I don’t push, “I’ll go ask Gil, but I’m sure he’ll love to see everyone.”

Matthew and Emil’s wheelchairs are both pretty quiet, so I have to really strain to hear if they are around or leaving, sometimes I can’t tell at all, but I vaguely hear it turning so I’m pretty sure he just left to the hallway, where Gil must be waiting, so he can ask.

“So Ludwig, where do you live?” I ask, hoping it’s not crossing a line. Now that we’ve connected the dots of our families living being all connected, I’m curious. He doesn’t answer so I move to apologize, but he beats me to it.

“Um…about 45 minutes away? It’s a really n-non-populated town, I-I live pretty far from other people.”

I sigh in wonder, “that sounds so cool, living away from other people, of course I would miss Lovi and Toni, plus all my friends…but it would be nice…do you think I could visit you one day?”

“S-Sure Feli, I haven’t had a visitor other than Gil and Ma-Matthew in a long time.” I can hear the smile in his voice, and I smile in return.

“Awesome! I can’t wait to meet all your dogs, Gilbert has told us all about them…but of course I’ve already met Alaric, he’s here right? He’s so quiet I couldn’t hear him!” 

“O-Oh yes he’s here! Do you…do you want to pet him?” 

My smile grows, “can I? I won’t distract him or anything, right?”

Ludwig gently takes my hand, “crouch down a bit, and no, I’m pretty stable right now so everything should be fine.” 

Alaric’s fur is soft and long, most of it is covered by the vest he’s wearing, but he gets excited about the pets anyways. I softly smile, “he’s soft,” I tell him, standing, “you must take good care of him for him to be that soft.”

He chuckles a bit, “I guess so.” He says it happily, but I can almost swear I hear him whisper, “at least better than I take care of myself,” under his breath. I frown, but am interrupted by Matthew.

“Gilbert said it would be fun to see everyone, so I guess we’re going to the café,” Matthew says, and I bounce in joy.

“Yay! Alfred is driving me, so I’ll see you soon okay, Ludwig? If I’m not there when you arrive I’m sure Gilbert or Matthew can point you over to everyone is sitting, they’re a pretty big group, rowdy really,” I chuckle, “but I’m sure if we ask they will calm it down for today, they have for me before, same with Camille and Ivan.”

“Okay Feli, I’ll…I’ll see you there.” I nod, listening to him walk away.

“Hey Feli, ready to go?” Alfred asks and I nod, turning in the direction of his voice. 

As we walk to the car, I begin wondering about something. “Alfred?” I say when I buckle myself in the car, Noodle in the backseat.

“Yeah?” He answers, turning the car on.

“You’re Matthew’s twin, right?”

He doesn’t answer for a moment, and I feel us backing out of the parking space. “…yes?” He sounds confused.

“And Matthew is engaged to Gilbert? Ludwig’s brother?”

“That’s what I’ve heard…what are you getting at here, Feli?”

I take a deep breath, “I was wondering if you know any information about Ludwig?”

He’s silent for a moment, but eventually he sighs. “Not really, I know he lives in the middle of no where and rarely leaves his house. I’ve heard some stuff from Francis, but that’s only from pre-whatever happened. Lovino might know, he and Matthew are closer than Matthew and I are, at least in the last few years.” He begins to softly hum, so I don’t move to say anything, “Feli, I know you’re worried, but I do know a few things about him. Francis said he used to be really different from how he is now, he played sports, straight A student, he was 16 but had top universities practically banging on his door to give him full ride scholarships, then he went missing for a month and a half and he said everything just…stopped.”

He takes a deep breath before continuing, and I remain silent, holding onto every bit of information I can get.

“Francis said he started school online and the last time he saw Ludwig in person was five years ago, and even then, it was barely a minute and accidental. He told me that Gil said that Ludwig broke down at random times, especially when anyone called him ‘Luddy’, something that some people would call him sometimes, until it was shortened to just ‘Lud’. I remember Matthew came home crying after spending the day with Gil a few years ago, of course I had expected the worst and became angry at Gil, but Mattie told me he learned about what happened to Ludwig. He didn’t tell me of course, not a single word or hint, but I heard him cry himself to sleep that night. I never knew anything about where he lived after moving out of his and Gil’s house, Francis wanted to keep it a secret, though I don’t think even he knew. Today’s the first time I’ve met him, hell I think it’s the first time Arthur has met him.”

My mind is running a million miles an hour at everything Alfred just told me, my thoughts won’t slow down, and I can barely catch anything I’m thinking.

The rest of the drive is silent, but my mind was loud until we reached the café. 

‘_Could he…could Ludwig possibly have a past like mine?_’


	9. Ludwig

Upon walking into the café, it’s not hard to figure out who the group Feli mentioned is. I know a few of them from group, but some of them I very vaguely recognize from school. They’re loud, laughing and chatting with one another, and for a moment I don’t think I can do this. A soft hand touches my arm and I look down at Matthew, who is smiling at me.

“How about we go say hi to Lovino as we wait for Feli? Gil you go ahead and see everyone, we’ll be there shortly,” Matthew suggests, and I nod.

“Sounds good, I’ll see you two in a few minutes, okay?” With that he walks off, smile turning to a smirk as everyone turns to greet him loudly.

I follow Matthew to the kitchen, where four people are working. 

One of the women is short, with curly black hair and dark eyes who smiles at Matthew and I, the other has shortly cut wavy brown hair that looks effortlessly styled and is focused on decorating cupcakes. The taller of the two men turns to look at us for a moment before going back to what he was doing, brown hair tied in a small ponytail. The last man, who I realize must be Feli’s twin, turns his head before his eyes widen and he places the spoon he was holding down, quickly walking over.

“Matthew! I didn’t know you were coming today,” he says, eyes flicking over to me with a flash of recognition before they return to Matthew, “how are you? Is everything okay?”

Matthew chuckles, “yes I’m fine Lovi, Lud, Gil, and I decided to stop by after group since Feli invited us,” his smile turns apologetic, “and I’m sorry about cancelling the other day.”

Lovino, waves him off, “no worries, I’m just glad you are alright.” He turns to me, “you must be Ludwig.”

I nod, “nice to meet you, Lovino.”

He looks me up and down before nodding, “nice to meet you as well, Ludwig.”

The kitchen doors open again, and I turn to see Feli with Noodle, looking a bit confused and sad, “hey Ludwig? Are you here? Gilbert said you and Matthew came to say hi to Lovi.”

“Yes we’re here.”

The confusion turns to a smile, “you ready to meet everyone? And hi Lovi.”

“Hello Feli, I’ll be joining you guys, Savannah are you guys okay?” The woman with the short hair nods without looking up from decorating, “great, let me know if you guys need anything, I’ll be in the dining area.”

The group Feli is leading me to is in fact the group I originally thought. Easily over twenty people sit at the surrounding tables, with Gilbert sitting with Francis and Arthur as well as two other men who look familiar but I’m not 100% sure who they are.

“Feli!” About half of the group calls out, everyone turning to look at us with smiles on their faces. 

One of them, a woman with her curly hair in two long pigtails, stands up and runs at him. “Michelle incoming!” She yells before tackling him in a hug.

Feli laughs, hugging her back just as tightly. “Ciao Michelle!” He says before letting go of the hug, allowing the woman, Michelle, to walk back to her chair. “Everyone, I have someone I would like to introduce,” he gestures to me, “this is Ludwig Beilschmidt.” The resulting silence makes me want to crawl back home, everyone staring at me with varying looks of recognition, but Feli isn’t having it. He frowns, glaring, “nope, we are not going to react like this, Ludwig here wanted to meet everyone, so you better start introducing yourselves without the shook expressions I know you guys have.”

Lovino snorts as he sits in between Matthew and one of the men I vaguely recognize from the table Gil is sitting at, handing Matthew a plate with a few mini cookies.

His face turns to a sweet smile, “now who will start?” He pulls out the nearest chair and sits down while I continue to stand awkwardly.

The same woman who hugged Feli re-stands from her chair and smiles at me, “I’m Michelle!”

Camille, who is sitting next to Michelle, smiles at her before turning to me, “_hello again, my name is Camille_,” she signs, finger spelling her name before adding what I’m pretty sure is her sign name at the end, the sign for ‘cards’ but with her right hand making the sign for the letter C.

The next table includes Emil, but it’s someone else that introduces themselves first. “My name is Lukas,” he says before looking to the man on his right.

The man smiles softly, looking quite exhausted, “Mathias.”

Emil doesn’t introduce himself but from what I knew about him I didn’t think he would, so I give him a smile and small wave, which makes him nod shortly. The man trying to get him to eat a few crackers rolls his eyes but looks at me, “Leon.”

The last three at the table introduce themselves as Tino, Berwald, and Peter.

The names Lukas, Mathias, Tino, and Berwald ring a few bells and I realize they went to school with me, with Mathias even playing football with me when I was a freshman. I internally smile at Tino and Berwald still together after all these years.

The next table only has two people who introduce themselves as Vlad and Sava. Sava is a mystery, but I do recognize Vlad as a senior I would sometimes see in the hallways at school when I was a freshman.

The next table is a six-person table with ten people sitting at it somehow, I’m not sure how they managed the nine chairs around the too small table.

The smallest girl introduces herself as Lili and the one next to her says her name is Natalia. The next is Ivan followed by a man who introduces himself as Yao. The next are two I definitely recognize once I really look, Emma and Elizaveta, two people who hung around Gilbert sometimes.

Half of the final four I know from group, Roderich and Vash with the man that must be the third husband and their kid who is sitting in Roderich’s lap eating some goldfish. The third man introduces himself as Lars and Roderich tells me the kids name is Alexander.

Once again, the next table has two people, and the two introduce themselves as Toris and Feliks. I do recognize them, but any memories are vague at best, however I do think I once defended Feliks from bullies when they wore a skirt to school.

The final table is the one Gil and Matthew are sitting at.

Lovino waves shortly as a greeting, as do both Matthew and Gil. The next is Francis, who happily introduces himself, and Arthur who rolls his eyes before introducing himself once again. Following them is Alfred and a man who says his name is Kiku. The last two look very similar, though the man who introduces himself as Erico has longer hair in a small ponytail and is sitting in a wheelchair with a dog at his feet and is covered in scars, and then there’s Antonio, one of Gilbert’s best friends who looks ecstatic at the sight of me.

Finally is Feliciano, who introduces himself and tells me he’s so excited that I’m here.

I can’t help but smile.

Maybe…maybe this is okay.

Francia stands, tapping a fork against a glass of water.

“Now that everyone has introduced themselves, Arthur and I would like to announce our next trip!” 

Everyone gets excited as Arthur stands as well, nodding with a small smile.

“Drumroll everyone!” Alfred shouts, banging his hands on the table. A few people join in, including Peter and Alexander, who are both a little off beat.

“We’re going to South Africa!” Everyone cheers, congratulating them on a good pick.

I see Feliciano lean over, “they go on trips all the time, this will be their second Africa trip, their first was Egypt,” he informs me, smiling before leaning away.

The conversation continues, but a few minutes later I see Matthew beginning to fall asleep in his chair during his and Lovino’s conversation. Lovino notices and sighs, saying something I don’t catch. Matthew shakes his head and waves Lovino off. Lovino rolls his eyes, flicking Gilbert to get his attention, drawing him from a conversation with Erico and Antonio. Lovino speaks to him as I watch Matthew close his eyes, breathing evening as he falls asleep.

I’ve seen him do this plenty of times, though I’m not sure which illness this one is being caused by.

Matthew’s medical history is big but not exactly long. I know he was diagnosed with epilepsy when he was young, but, according to Gil, he kept every other problem he had hidden until being adopted when he was sixteen, where he was diagnosed with a series of things over the course of a year. He’s never given a straight answer to me when I asked why he hid everything, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with trying to seem ‘better’ and be able to be someone his birth parents would be proud of.

Gilbert looks at Matthew then nods, standing from his chair with an apologetic look to the table. “We gotta go guys, Matthew isn’t feeling very well, sorry everyone.” He gets disappointed groans from everyone, bit he just rolls his eyes. “Oh back off the awesome me, we’ll be back, right Lud?” I jump slightly at being addressed.

‘_He’s asking me?_’

I look from Gil to everyone else, then back to him, then finally towards Feli, who is frowning slightly.

“Ye-Yeah…yeah we’ll…we’ll be back.”

Feliciano smiles at me, as do many others at the surrounding tables. 

Gilbert smiles as well, ruffling my hair. “Alright Lud, let’s get going before Matthew hurts his neck sleeping like that,” he tells me, and I nod.

Once Gilbert begins to move Matthew’s wheelchair, the blond begins to wake up a bit, looking around in confusion with tired eyes. “Gil? What are-“ he’s caught off with a yawn, “what are we doing?”

Gil chuckles a bit, giving me a wink before he turns back to look towards Matthew, “you’re fading, Birdie, didn’t want you to hurt your neck or anything, plus I really need to get back to the station.” They walk out of my earshot, but I can see Matthew say something in response before he begins nodding off again.

Feli is frowning when I turn around, “you can message…you can message me if you want, Feli?”

He jumps at my words, and I frown a bit.

‘_Guess he thought I had already left_.’

The frown turns to a smile and nod, “I definitely will! And you better message me as well, Lud!” I blush a bit at the nickname.

‘_Gil and Matthew both call me Lud, so why is Feli calling me that any different?_’

I nod, “I promise, bye Feli.”

He waves, “bye bye Lud!”

I turn away, giving a small wave to everyone, receiving multiple waves and smiles back, before I turn and begin walking towards the door, Alaric walking beside me easily since the rows have enough room for both of us.

‘_Probably for Noodle and Feli_.’

Once I’m buckled in the car with Alaric laying next to me, his head in my lap, I notice Matthew is asleep in the front seat, much like I expected him to me. 

Gilbert sighs as he pulls out of the parking lot, drawing my attention to him. “I despite his parents,” he says, and I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion.

“Who’s?”

“Birdies.”

There’s a lot of anger in that one word, but a part of me both agrees and knows the anger is well deserved.

“I knew he was in pain today and I knew something would flare, with the shopping with Francis yesterday and everything I just…” he groans, sounding more exhausted than irritated before continuing, “I know I should trust him to let us know and to be aware of his own limits but…”

“But you know where it got you in the past.”

He nods sadly, softly holding Matthew’s hand as he drives, “exactly.”

The rest of the drive is silent, and when we finally pull into my driveway, I’m more than happy to be back home…now that I think of it…that was probably the longest I’ve been away from home in the last two years.

When I open the door, the dogs happily greet me, nearly pulling me down as I give Alaric the command to check the house, which he runs off to do as I try to calm seven happy doggies. Alaric runs back and barks twice, letting me know everything is safe.

Gilbert puts his arms out for a hug and I gladly give him one. “I’m so proud of you, Lud, leaving the house for group and going to Feli and Lovi’s café.” I can feel him smiling, and I nod, hugging him tighter for a moment before pulling away.

“I guess so…”

He just smiles and gives me one more quick hug before waving goodbye as I walk into the house, waving to him before I close the door behind me.

I walk over and collapse on the couch, exhausted as I place my head in my hands. My dogs crowd around me as I begin to cry, Alaric trying to nose nudge my face when my breathing starts to become uneven.

I don’t even know why I’m crying.

Maybe it’s the social interaction? Leaving the house for so long? Realizing that people I knew form school from have continued their lives and futures while I’m here?

…stuck here living in the past…

All I know is suddenly I can barely breath and even Alaric’s more frantic nudging is starting to fade in the back of my cautiousness as my vision begins to narrow in until I feel myself falling to the floor.

Then nothing.


	10. Ludwig

I wake up to Alaric licking my face sometime in the late evening going by the amount of light I can see outside. My memory is a bit fuzzy as I slowly open my eyes, but despite that I realize two things. One: I’m on the floor in a very uncomfortable position, and two: I’m incredibly hungry and can’t remember the last time I ate.

Slowly, carefully, I sit myself up and lean against the couch. Imelda runs over from laying with Amara, placing herself in my lap and looking up at me, begging for pets that I give her. Alaric is next to me, but the other dogs are scattered around the room, each having found a way to entertain themselves or sleeping.

I pick up my phone to check the time, but notice I have a message from an unsaved number.

‘_Hi Ludwig! It’s Feli, and I just wanted to say hi!_’

Underneath it is a second message from the same number.

‘_Btw, it might take me a bit longer to reply since typing is slower with voice over_.’ 

I smile, looking to see that the time is 6:53 pm. I save the number as ‘Feli’ with an Italian flag emoji next to it before pulling the messages back up and typing out a reply.

‘**_Hi Feli_**.’

I stand slowly after moving Imelda from my lap and walk over to the backdoor, unlocking the dog door so everyone can go to the bathroom. My movements had awakened any of the dogs who were sleeping, the eight of them watching me closely, and all of them run outside when I unlock their door. I walk to the kitchen and pull out some leftovers, putting the container into the microwave and starting a pot of coffee.

I decide to edit my third draft a bit since I’m feeling motivated enough, grabbing my laptop while I wait for my dinner and coffee to be done. Once the microwave goes off, I take out my dinner and set it next to my laptop, doing the same with a fork, mug, and coffee pot once that is done.

Currently, I have five books published under the alias Anderson Hermann. My manager, a lovely woman named Janine, helped me come up with the name after I told her I was afraid to put my real name in the public eye, a situation she was very understanding of.

All five books are apart of a series that has a relatively big fanbase, shockingly enough. It’s not huge compared to some other books fanbases, but there are thousands of pieces of fanart, fanfictions, and edits for my series online that I often look at, loving each and every one of them more than anything.

The series is based on bedtime stories Gilbert would tell me every night until I was eight and decided I was too old for bedtime stories; however, the stories began again after what happened and lasted until I moved into my house. The series is called ‘_The Stories of the Awesome Knight_’ and I’m in the process of editing the third draft of the sixth and final book.

The order of the series is-  
Dark Seas: Story of the Awesome Knight  
Beyond the World: Story of the Awesome Knight  
Escape the Night: Story of the Awesome Knight  
Playing with Fire: Story of the Awesome Knight  
Saving an Angel: Story of the Awesome Knight  
Defending Love: Story of the Awesome Knight

Most of them tell of the Awesome Knight and his adventures around the world he lives in, however the fifth book introduces a prince that the Awesome Knight falls in love with, thus beginning their adventures together.

The prince is, obviously, based on Matthew, something he told me was an honor.

Gilbert says he is beyond proud of me despite being shocked that I actually remember the stories to begin with, and that he’s happy I’m sharing the stories that helped me throughout my childhood and the hardest time of my life, and we both hold the hope that the stories help other people like they helped me.

I quietly sing along to one of my playlists on YouTube, going between eating my dinner and editing until I finish eating and the plastic container into the sink, deciding that I’ll do the dishes later as I get back to work. I glance down when I hear my phone go off with a message, seeing Feli had replied.

‘_Hi! I’m so happy you replied, how are you?_’

I smile a bit, but decide to leave out the bit about crying until I passed out in my reply.

‘**_I’m okay, doing some editing for my book_**.’

‘_Sounds fun! I didn’t know you wrote!_’

‘**_Yeah, I do :) what are you doing?_**’

‘_We just finished eating dinner, but now that you mentioned writing I’m thinking about painting a little bit, did you know I paint?_’

‘**_I didn’t, but maybe you can show me one day?_**’

‘_That would be amazing! I would love to show you! Though I’m not sure if they’re very good_.’

‘**_I’m sure they are beautiful_**.’

‘_You’ll just have to see for yourself I guess, but I would love to read some of the stuff you’ve written!_’

‘**_You can, I have five published books, though the last one is currently only on it’s third draft so it will be awhile before this one is published_**.’

It takes an extra few minutes for him to reply, and I get a bit nervous that maybe I said something wrong, which makes me look over the messages to try to find out what it could have been.

‘_You’ve published books?! That’s so cool!!_’

I sigh in relief, chuckling a bit as I type out my response.

‘**_I guess it’s cool, though all of them are under a different name since I’m too nervous to publish anything under my actual name. The series is called ‘The Stories of the Awesome Knight’ if you wanted to know_**.’

‘_Oh I think Lovi and Toni have mentioned that before! And I understand the name thing, the idea of publishing stuff under my real name would make me nervous too_.’

‘_Crap, Lovi is trying to convince me to put my phone up since Toni wants to watch a movie. I’ll talk to you later, okay?_’

‘**_Yeah that sounds good, Feli, talk with you later. Goodnight :)_**.’

‘_Goodnight Lud! :D_’

I set my phone down with a happy sigh, actually genuinely happy for the first time in…awhile really. I walk to the backdoor and call for the dogs to come inside, moving out of the way when they run in and go straight to their water bowls. I smile while watching them, closing the door and locking the dog door before moving back to the table and saving my work, pouring myself another mug of coffee.

“This is…this is probably the best I’ve felt in…years,” I say aloud, and a few dogs turn to look at me. I lean down and pet Aster since he’s the closest, “I’m actually…really happy.” I sigh, a dark feeling invading my mind, “I wonder how long it will last.”

I move to sit on the couch, turning on the tv with the goal of finding a Disney movie to watch to set myself up for maybe getting some sleep.

Finding a Disney movie is not what happened.

“The rapist of college student Amanda Sterling was finally found and charged earlier this afternoon, he was identified as 22-year-old student Thomas-“

That’s all it takes for my mind to decide it’s time for a flashback, and suddenly I’m seeing the ceiling again and the real world begins fading away in favor of the past.

‘_Luddy~_’

The voice sounds so clear, and so, so close.

‘_Aren’t you so good for me?_’

The hands follow the ceiling. 

I breathe in sharply as a large, rough hand pushes down on my collarbones, and I feel the breath leave my lungs. There’s a distant feeling of hard ground pressing into my back, but all I can focus on is the ceiling and the hand that follows me everywhere.

A part of my mind knows it’s not really happening, that I’m not there anymore (_though I don’t know exactly where I really am at the moment_), but the main part is convinced I’m still there, and the main part is what wins out this time.

The part that wins out more than not.

“D-don’t…don’t t-t-to-touch me-e!” I manage to stutter out, curling into myself as I shake my head violently, covering my head with my arms. I distantly hear footsteps walking down those stairs, and the smell of strong cologne invades my nose, which I try to cover with my hand, but it doesn’t work, if anything it just gets stronger.

‘_Aw, how cute…Luddy thinks he can tell **me** what to do!_’

The hand on my collarbone begins to hurt, and I let out a sob.

‘_Don’t be afraid, Luddy~ it’s just Lutz, remember? I love you, Luddy…no need to be **afraid**_.’

The last word sounds closer than the rest, and I flinch away.

I feel a hand rake through my hair, which I try to get rid of with the hand not covering my nose, but it doesn’t work, it never works.

I try making my sobs quieter, thinking that maybe that’s why he’s so angry with me. 

Maybe if I do better, be _good, silent, a good boy, I can be a good boy,** I’m a good boy I’m a good boy please don’t-**_

‘_Such a good boy, Luddy, so good…it’s just me, I won’t hurt you…more than you deserve to be hurt at least_.’

The smell of cologne suddenly gets stronger and I have to fight the sudden feeling that I need to vomit. Last time I did that he cut up my back, and I refuse to make the same mistake, to be scarred anymore than I already am.

‘_No one can save you this time, Luddy…with your lovely brother dead, your ‘friends’ that hate you…no one cares about you, Luddy, I’m the only one who loves you. Everyone hates you, Luddy, everyone but me_.’

I try to hold back the sob, feeling myself shake violently.

‘_Even Feli hates you, Luddy_.’

My eyes widen, he’s never mentioned Feli before.

‘_Poor little Feli…damaged, broken…almost as pathetic as you are_.’

“No!” I scream in rage, standing from the couch. I’m breathing heavily as the ceiling begins to blur, becoming less clear. The hand on my collarbone disappears, and I catch sight of his eyes in my peripheral vision, but for once I’m standing my ground. “Do not talk about Feli like that!” I command, for a moment I think that I actually sound strong for once.

That feeling of strength doesn’t last long.

The hand that was on my collarbone is suddenly on my inner thigh and I feel myself collapse onto the floor, covering my eyes with my hand and pulling on my hair to try and focus on the present.

‘_Adorable, Luddy. Really, it’s so cute how much you care about people who hate you, who won’t ever help you. You’re weak, useless, unlovable. I’m the only one who will ever love you, Luddy. Your Opa is dead, Gilbert is dead, Feli is dead, you’re next Luddy, so just give up!_’

Suddenly I feel someone licking me, and I flinch away. Then there’s barking and a heavy weight on my legs, which is what finally makes the smell of cologne fade and the hand on my thigh to disappear.

I gasp when I uncover my eyes, looking around my living room. I look at each of my dogs before looking down at my hands, which have some blood and strands of hair on them.

Slowly, I feel my face, realizing it’s burning from me scratching it during the flashback. I make my way to the bathroom, looking in the mirror. 

I look like a mess, even more than normal.

My hair is everywhere since at some point I was gripping it, and my eyes are red from crying. My face is covered in tear marks and scratches, some of which are bleeding. I get a washcloth wet and begin cleaning the scratches, kicking myself internally for doing it in such an obvious place, a place that is impossible to hide.

I look down when I feel something get dropped on my foot, but I gently push my phone away with my foot, trying to ignore the look Alaric is giving me.

“I…I don’t want to call Gilbert…maybe later but right now…I’d just be bothering him with my stupid, useless problems.” Alaric tilts his head but sits next to my legs, watching me as I finish cleaning the scratches. Eventually I sigh and throw the washcloth into the sink, sitting down and leaning against the bathroom wall, staring at the toilet as I think. 

Alaric lays down in my lap, and I gently run my fingers through his fur, which grounds me to the present even more.

“I’m such a burden on their lives,” I whisper, eyes going foggy as my mind descents to a dark place of overthinking and self-hatred, “they would be so, so much happier if I wasn’t here…do you think…do you think h-h…that _He_ might be right, Alaric?”

Alaric looks up at his name, and I smile softly, though it feels fake, forced.

“You’re right…you guys need me…” I sigh, “even if no one else does…”


	11. Feliciano

It’s been a few weeks since Ludwig and I begin talking, mostly over the phone and through text, however we did go on a walk together with Alaric and Noodle at a park in a middle location between our houses on January 2nd and Ludwig did come to the group meeting the week after the first one, though he hasn’t come to anymore.

Now it’s Sunday, January 17th, and the bakery is closed for this months ‘religion day’. This month it is Sunday’s turn, meaning the schedule revolves around the Christians of the group. We trade days each month between Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, for Islam’s salaat al-jumu’ah AKA Juma prayer, Jewish Shabbat prayer, and Christian church services, in that order, however we do take off for the Wiccan holidays as well since Lukas and Emil don’t have specific days of the week for worship.

So, from 10:00 to 12:45, all of us will go to our respective locations of worship to attend the service, read the Bible, Torah, or Quran, pray, or talk with other people there. Occasionally we switch around or join others at their service or prayer, however no one is doing that today. After the service is over with, everyone will be meeting for lunch.

Lovino, Antonio, Gilbert, Camille, Elizaveta, Roderich, Alexander, Vash, Lili, Toris, Feliks, Vlad, and I are going the church, Alfred, Matthew, Arthur, Francis, Natalia, and Ivan are going to the Synagogue, and Michelle, Sava, Berwald, and Mathias are going to the Masque, Lukas and Emil are doing their own prayers at home, while the rest of the crew who are Atheist, including Emma, Lars, Yao, Kiku, Tino, and Leon, are going to the library to hang out until lunch.

Arthur is taking Peter with them to the Synagogue since the Kirkland family is Jewish and both Berwald and Tino want Peter to be a part of that.

What’s even more exciting is that this is the first time Andrei, Vlad’s three-year-old brother, will be coming since Vlad and Sava finally won the court case to have custody over Andrei. He was, until about a week ago, was in the ‘care’ of one of Vlad’s father’s parents, who convinced the jury and judge that Sava and Vlad were unfit caretakers due to their homophobic views despite Vlad’s fathers, Charon and Deimos Vasile, wills stating they wanted Vlad and Sava to have custody of Andrei if anything were to happen to them. We haven’t been able to see them since as they were allowing Andrei sometime to settle in, however Vlad and Andrei will be coming to church with us today at least.

Not only that, but today is also the first time Ludwig will be joining us at church. He said it’s been a few years since he last went and wanted to try again, so I happily invited him along.

Currently, Gilbert, Matthew, and I are driving to drop Matthew off at the Synagogue then to pick up Ludwig, and after that, Gilbert, Ludwig, and I will be meeting everyone at our Roman Catholic church. Well, everyone minus Roderich, Alexander, Vash, and Lili, who go to the Protestant church down the road.

Driving with Gilbert is awesome because he listens to rock music as apposed to Antonio’s Spanish, which is great as well, but you can only listen to the same songs for so long without wanting to change it up a bit. 

Ludwig knows I’m coming to even though Gilbert tried to tell me to keep it a secret, however I eventually cracked and told Lud anyways.

We pull up to the Temple, the route from my house to here is a familiar one to me, and I hear Gilbert putting the car in park, opening the car door to, I’m pretty sure, get Matthew’s wheelchair from the backseat.

“Have a nice time at church, Feli, and please tell Ludwig I say hi and that I will see you three at the restaurant for lunch,” Matthew tells me, and I smile.

“Thank you! And I’ll be sure to tell him,” I promise just as Matthew’s door opens.

“Alrighty Birdie, ready?” I don’t hear a response so he must have nodded since I hear him moving from his seat to his wheelchair before getting himself situated.

“Bonjour Mathieu and Gil!” I hear Francis say from somewhere outside, “oh and you have Feli! Bonjour Feli, driving with Gil today instead of Lovi and Toni?”

I nod, “yep! We’re going to pick up Lud.”

“Oh how wonderful! Well you have fun, see you three at the restaurant.”

I can practically feel Gil roll his eyes when he says, “you too Franny,” which makes me chuckle a bit, “I love you Birdie.”

“I love you too, Gil.” They kiss and the door shuts, but soon after the driver’s side door opens and Gilbert climbs in.

“Oh wait, Feli do you want to ride in the front? Noodle can stay in the back,” Gilbert asks, and I shrug, climbing out of the car and moving to the front. “Alright good deal,” he says before turning up the music and pulling out of the parking lot.

The drive is silent outside of the music and Gil’s occasional singing or humming, and I’m happy to just escape into the bass that shakes the car, closing my eyes and allowing the music I rarely listen to overcome my senses and thoughts.

Eventually, we pull into a long driveway. “We’re here, do you want to come with me? I need to make sure Lud is ready to go,” he chuckles a bit at whatever he thought of, “and maybe you can meet all the dogs? All of them will get along fine with Noodle.” 

I nod happily and get out of the car, grabbing my cane before opening the door for Noodle. Since I knew the drive would be pretty long, I didn’t put Noodle in her harness, so until we get to church, I’ve just been using my cane with Noodle just wearing her collar. I walk to the front door by following the pavement, Noodle walking beside me. I hit a small step, so I step up, feeling my cane hit Gilbert’s shoe on accident when I fully step up, which makes the two of us laugh.

Gilbert knocks on the door, and what sounds like a small army of dogs begins to bark, some high pitched while others are deeper sounding.

“Nein! Es ist nur Gilbert und Feli! Setz dich!” I hear Ludwig say before the door opens, “ah, Guten Morgen Gil and Feli, please come in, and excuse the dogs, Feli, they love new people.” I chuckle, moving into the warm house.

“It’s okay, Lud! I love doggies!” Though, just as I say that, a dog jumps onto me, nearly knocking me down from the force.

"Jäger nein!" Ludwig yells as Gilbert laughs loudly, the dog being dragged away from me.

I giggle, “oh he’s just excited, Lud! A good boy, isn’t he?” I crouch down and allow the dogs to surround me, sniffing me before they begin to lick me as I laugh, “oh so many good boys and girls! The bestest doggies, aren’t you all?” I look towards Ludwig, “could I meet all of them officially?”

“Um…do we have time Gil?” Gilbert must shrug or nod or something because I don’t hear a response, “okay then, everyone sit!” Ludwig orders, and a whole bunch of doggies sit around me, one of which is nearly on top of me. Ludwig sighs, though I can hear a smile, “normally they are better behaved I promise, now the one sitting on you is Aster.”

I blush as I fell Ludwig gently touch my hand before pulling away a second later, “oh I’m sorry, is that okay? I was going to show you each of the dogs so you could feel them, is that alright?” I nod quickly, feeling my face heat up and hoping Lud or Gil don’t notice as Ludwig moves my hand to each dog, introducing me to each and allowing me to pet and give them individual attention.

Aster seems to take a liking to me, though Blackie also gives me a ton of kisses as I pet him, and I wish I could stay and be overwhelmed by doggies forever.

Gilbert tells us that it’s time to go and I hear as Lud grabs Alaric’s vest and locks up what I’m pretty sure is a dog door before joining Gil and I in the car. 

I sit in the back again with both Alaric and Noodle, while Ludwig sits in the passengers’ seat. The drive to church is considerably quieter than the drive to pick up Ludwig, but I guess he might not like the loud rock music like Gil does, so instead we spend the ride talking.

When we finally arrive, I step out and grab Noodle’s harness, slipping it on her before Lud and I follow Gilbert into the building. We’re a bit later than we normally are so we head straight to the main sitting room, and I hear Toni call us over to where everyone is sitting. It’s a middle row and our typical chosen seat, with me in between Lovi and Ludwig for today.

“Is Andrei here yet?” I ask Lovino, though its not him that answers.

“We are, Feli!” Vlad says from a few people down, “this is Andrei, Andrei this is my friend Feli.”

I put my hand out and a hand the same size as Peter’s gently holds it, and I give it a little hand shake with a smile. “Nice to meet you, Andrei!” I tell him, and I hear who I imagine to be Andrei make a small squealing noise.

“Doggie!”

I laugh, nodding, “this is my dog Noodle, she helps me see, do you want to pet her?”

“He nodded yes, Feli,” Lovino tells me, and I nod in thanks.

“Go ahead, she’s very friendly.” I hear Andrei move past a few people, and I hear some of my friends say a few comments or laughs, and Noodle give him a few sniffs, which makes him laugh. I look to Vlad while Andrei is occupied, “how’s everything coming along, Vlad?”

He sighs, “exhausting, both being a parent and the court cases, dear old bunic and bunică tried everything to keep him away from us, but I think it’s finally over and he’s officially ours, at least once the correct papers go through, though no one should be able to take him away anymore.”

I give him a sympathetic smile, “you two are going to do great.”

“Thanks Feli, Andrei come back now, Ursuleț, it’s about to begin,” Vlad says.

“Okay fratele! Bye bye puppy!”

I giggle, leaning back against the bench’s backrest.

“You are really good with kids,” Ludwig says quietly, and I smile softly.

“Thanks, I love kids, they’re adorable, aren’t they?” I ask, and I can feel him shrug from how close we are.

“Yeah but I…I’ve never had…I’ve never had much experience with them,” he explains.

I shrug, “well there will be two more at the restaurant so maybe you can talk with them?”

He doesn’t reply, but the music starts up and I turn forward as the service begins. 

Throughout, Ludwig doesn’t sing along like Lovino, Antonio, Gilbert, and I do, but by the end I hear him humming softly, which makes me smile. We have thirty minutes until we need to leave, so the eleven of us talk with each other and some of our friends. Andrei gets to pet both Noodle and Alaric with Ludwig’s permission, and the three of us talk about our favorite foods and animals while Vlad talks with some other people.

I drive with Gilbert and Ludwig to the restaurant, which causes Toni to tease me about liking Gil more than him, but I just laughed and thanked God he blamed it on wanting to spend time with Gil instead of Lud, which is the real reason.

Spending time with Ludwig is so awesome, and I love being able to do it. He’s so nice and understanding and we can talk for hours about anything and everything, which we have done before.

I’m so happy we got to finally meet that day…who knows when we would have gotten the chance if we had left it up to our friends and brothers.


	12. Ludwig

I went to church and lunch with everyone two weeks ago, and if I’m honest, it felt really good to not only get out of the house with other people, but to return to church. I wouldn’t consider myself a super religious person like I was when I was a kid, I don’t read the Bible or pray daily like Feliciano has said he does, but it still feels nice to have that community behind me.

The church was incredibly accepting, unlike the church Opa, Gilbert, and I went to when Gil and I were younger. I didn’t go to church, nor did I participate in anything religious period, once I began questioning my sexuality when I was eleven due to their less than secretive hatred of anything other than the ‘white-straight-cis-childbearing-two people’ couple.

Opa still went but Gil and I decided to stop going, instead we stayed home and tried to make lunch for Opa for when he got home at two o’clock every Sunday.

Gilbert was fourteen and three years older than me when I found out he was dating a boy in his class, which had confused me since just four months prior he told me he was dating a girl named Kara. The questions turned to a discussion, and that discussion turned into me doing as much research as I could, ultimately figuring out I was homosexual when I was thirteen after a long time of denial. 

However, Feli assured me this was not the case with the church they went to, and that showed during the service and how kind everyone was.

Since then, I’d gone out three more times. 

Twice with Gilbert and Matthew and once with Feli, and no matter how much I love being able to go out and do more things…I’m starting to become afraid…and it’s all due to a certain Italian I can’t stop thinking about.

I’m starting to like Feli…really like Feli.

Really liking Feli means falling in love with Feli, and falling in love means dating, and dating means sex.

Really liking Feli is dangerous, horrifying, and I know it will only end in pain.

However, despite that, I don’t want to stop hanging out with Feli.

I want to continue messaging him, video chatting while I bake and he paints, and meeting up to walk Alaric and Noodle. I want to go to his café and listen to him talk about his day, something Lovi and Toni did that was funny, how adorable Peter, Alexander, and Andrei are. 

I want to hear him talk about everything, and that’s something that terrifies me.

“So…Lud…?” 

I look up to Gilbert when he walks into the living room, where Matthew and I are doing some online shopping for Matthew’s service dog, which was matched with Matthew a few days ago and should be arriving here in two weeks, where the dog (a three-month-old Rottweiler Matthew wants to name Padfoot) will begin his basic commands and training. 

Gil looks a bit nervous as he stands in the doorway. “So you know about Lovino and Toni going to Spain today for Toni’s aunts wedding correct?” I nod, Feli had mentioned it to me a few days ago. “Well…Feli doesn’t want to be alone for that long, and originally he was going to stay with Michelle and Camille, but they aren’t able to due to some family stuff with Camille, so Feli thought about staying with you? Would…would that be okay? It would only be for four days.”

“I…I guess that would be fine?” I say, but it’s more of a question rather than an actual, confident answer.

Gilbert seems to realize this.

“Are you sure? If you aren’t sure they can ask-“

“No, I’m sure.”

Gil seems to accept this easier because he nods once and puts his phone to his ear, “he said that sounds fine.” He nods at something the other person said before turning back to me, “can I give Lovino and Toni your address? If not, I can meet them somewhere in about two hours?”

I immediately want to say no, but before I say anything, I think for a moment about Lovino and Antonio. Lovino was Feli’s twin brother, who cared about Feli more than anything and who Feli trusted with anything and everything, and Antonio had been one of Gil’s best friends since they were little.

They won’t hurt me.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Gilbert gives me a smile, “okay Toni, I’ll message you the address in a few minutes.” I don’t here anything else because he walks back into the front room where he was originally doing some work.

A hand is gently placed on my shoulder, and I turn to see Matthew smiling softly at me. “I’m so proud of you Lud, Feli has stayed with us once before and he’s so much fun, I bet he’d love to bake with you, though you might need to help since your stuff isn’t in braille like it is at the café or their house.”

I manage a smile back, but it quickly falls when I process what he had said. “Braille?”

He nods, looking a bit confused, “yes, it’s where-“

“No, no, I-I know what Braille is…but do you…do you think we could label stuff? Label stuff in Braille I mean…we could look up how and-“

“Oh that would be lovely!” I jump a bit at Matthew’s sudden excitement, but he’s too involved in his own mind to notice. “Lovi told me they used hot glue guns to write it, and I bet we can find the words online, oh Lud this would make Feli-“

“It would make Feli so happy…”

Those six words strike me with a realization that I knew was true, but that I still tried to deny because of how much the idea scared me.

I liked Feli…I liked Feli a lot…and I had no idea what to do.

Gilbert walks back into the living room just as Matthew and I are smiling at one another at the idea. “So they should be here in-“ he cuts himself off, looking from me to Matthew with a bewildered expression, “what did I miss?”

“Ludwig thought about labeling stuff in Braille with hot glue guns so Feli would be able to bake with him like it is in the café,” Matthew explained, and Gilbert seems to light up in excitement, nodding quickly in encouragement.

“Well what are we waiting for? Let’s do it!”

I got each one of us a hot glue gun from my art supplies, plugging all of them to heat up while the three of us attempt to decide who is labelling what.

In the end, Matthew gets the kitchen while Gilbert and I go around the house labelling the doors, deciding once we finish the doors, we would help Matthew with the kitchen.

I label the doors in the hallway while Gilbert does the other doors in the house, and we were able to label all of them with time to label most of the stuff used for baking throughout the kitchen, such as in the fridge and pantry.

If Feli needs something else labeled, I decided I could just do it later when he gets here and go from there.

“Holy shit they are here!” Gilbert yells, accidentally throwing his glue gun across the room in his panic. Matthew rolls his eyes at my brother as I raise an eyebrow in confusion, looking from the discarded glue gun on the floor and my brother, who looked confused at his hand and the gun, like he didn’t quite believe he threw the gun either.

“Hello guys, come on in, ignore my fiancé, he’s malfunctioning,” Matthew tells the three of them at the door when he opens it, moving out of the way so Feli, Lovino, and Antonio can enter. All the dogs are outside so their entrance is easy, though I’m sure all of them will be very excited when they see Feli is here.

“We will leave soon but-“ Lovino starts to say as he closes the door behind him, but stops upon seeing what is written on the door, scrunching his eyebrows as he looks from the door to Matthew, Gilbert, and I and finally to Feli, who is talking happily to Gilbert, unaware of what Lovino just discovered. “Matthew…is this…?”

“Yes, it was Ludwig’s idea, we thought it would make Feli’s time here easier for him to get around since he doesn’t know the layout,” he pauses, looking to me before leaning to closer to Lovino, “he doesn’t know it yet at least.”

It’s said quieter but I can still hear it, and I blush lightly, looking down as to avoid whatever look Lovino gives me in response to what Matthew had implied to him.

Lovino gestures for Antonio to look at the door, and Antonio lights up when he sees it, giving me a large smile that seems to brighten the room.

“Thank you for doing this, Ludwig,” Lovino says, making Feli smile and nod despite him not knowing exactly what Lovino is actually thanking me for, not yet at least.

His voice is genuine, and I can’t help but smile softly at him.

“Any-Anytime, Lo…Lovino, Feli is a…a wonderful friend.”

Feliciano smiles at me, “you’re a wonderful friend as well, Lud! I’m so happy to be here with you for the next few days, we are going to have so much fine!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, very sweet, now come look at this, nerd,” Lovino says, the previous niceness gone and replaced with his normal attitude, which I’ve actually grown to like.

Feli skips over to Lovino, “yes?”

“Put your hand on the door…higher…little to the left…and-“

“Oh my god…that…that says front door…but it’s…it’s in Braille!” Feliciano exclaims, repeatedly running his fingers over it before finding the door handle, his smile widening as he explores, “this…this is your front door! And it’s labeled in Braille!” He pauses, but his smile is still as wide and happy as ever, “you labeled it so I would know…”

I rub my arm in nervousness, “yeah…me, Matthew, and Gil labeled the doors and some stuff in the kitchen that we thought would be helpful? F-For baking? Be-Be-Because I-I tho…thought we could bake together?”

Feliciano nods, quickly with an air of excitement, turning around to face me with a huge grin and sparkles in his eyes. “I would love that!” He blushes, and for a moment I forget we have an audience as I blush as well, “could…could I hug you?”

I nod, “yeah…that…that would be okay.”

He drops Noodle’s handle and launches himself at me, hugging me as tightly as possible as I hug him back.

“Thank you for doing that for me, Ludwig…I know it’s probably not a big deal for you but…but it’s a huge deal for me…” he whispers into my chest, and I smile into his hair. 

“I would do it all over again…so long as you are happy.”

Within my mind, the monster whispers words into my ear and a vague feeling of phantom hands rubbing my thighs makes my eyes shut tighter, but for now…Feli is hugging me tightly, and I instead choose to focus on him and his smile.

For the first time, I find myself wanting this to continue as long as I can keep it…and no one can take it away from me because this is my now no matter what.


	13. Feliciano

Matthew and Gilbert had left about two hours after Lovi and Toni, leaving Ludwig and I alone other than the now nine dogs in the household.

Noodle got along swimmingly with Ludwig’s dogs, and Ludwig told me it looked like Blackie and Noodle had become friends in particular since they’d been playing with one another in the backyard more than Noodle with any of the others.

The two hours between Lovi and Toni leaving and Matthew and Gilbert leaving was prominently spent talking about Matthew’s soon-to-be service dog, where Ludwig and I both tried our best to explain the best ways to train, the best gear, and some other random information we’d picked up along the way of being service dog handlers ourselves.

That conversation had kept us occupied while Gilbert continued his own work until the two of them left, where the awkwardness began.

Now, Lud and I had spent time alone before, I mean even our first meeting had been just us, but all of those previous times had been in public and definitely not Lud’s house. So for the first hour we basically danced around one another, not really sure what we should do until Ludwig offered to give me a tour since he hadn’t asked yet due to being distracted by Matthew’s service dog.

I accepted and thankfully, the tour seemed to fix any uncomfortableness we had previously.

The rest of the day and the day after was filled with baking, cooking, and playing with the dogs. We also did some painting after Ludwig found some supplies hidden in one of his closets and he let me listen to the first of his books on audio while we made dinner, where I immediately bought the entire series for my phone since I needed to know more, falling in love with the characters, story, and world.

Now it’s the morning of my second full day, four days until Lovi and Toni return from Spain. I had woken up about two hours ago, and since then had been listening to more of Lud’s book. I’m currently on chapter eleven, a little less than halfway done, and right in the middle of a fight between The Awesome Knight and a witch that has me on te edge of my seat.

Or on the edge of the bed since that’s where I’m currently laying in.

It’s around 7:30, or it was the last time I checked, and despite being awake, I’m still exhausted.

I’d had another nightmare last night, but thankfully Noodle had recognized it and woken me up before it could get too bad. 

Logically, I know if I were to wake up from a nightmare when it was bad, Ludwig wouldn’t be mad at me. I logically know he experiences the same thing and that’s why he doesn’t sleep, something it didn’t take long to realize. I logically know I can seek him out when I’m afraid…but logically knowing it doesn’t make my fear surrounding it any less.

I’d been woken up twice by Noodle, and the second time I decided to just stay awake and distract myself. Ludwig’s books are definitely distracting, in the best way possible. The detailing is vivid and the story is engaging, knowing the main character is based on Gilbert just makes everything better as I get to imagine Gilbert himself going on all these amazing adventures to save people.

Ludwig told me the fifth book introduces the character based on Matthew, so I’m really excited to get to that one.

Actually, speaking of Ludwig, last night had been the first time he actually slept since I got here, which is why I’d been staying in this room since I woke up as I didn’t want to risk waking Ludwig from what little sleep he gets.

However, going by the sound of the toilet flushing and a door opening, it seems like Ludwig is now awake. I decide to finish this chapter and then get up to help with breakfast, The Awesome Knight is about to defeat the witch and-

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by a knock on the door, blinking my eyes open as I turn towards the direction of the door, fear quickly clouding my mind.

“Feli? It’s Ludwig, could I come in?” I breathe a sigh of relief at Ludwig’s voice, pausing the book and figuring I’ll finish it later.

“Yeah that’s fine!” I reply, sitting up to lean against the bedframe before swinging my legs over the side just as the door is opened.

“I wanted to see- oh crap I’m sorry!” He exclaims loudly, and my eyes widen, looking around frantically in panic to no results.

“What happened?!” I ask, not knowing what I did to make him yell like that as my mind comes up with every single possible situation that would make him sound like that, the scenarios only getting worse as the tension grows.

“You…you’re not wearing pants!” 

…_oh_.

I place my hand on my thigh, which is just bare skin…despite the fact I know I went to sleep with pants on. The realization makes me giggle, before those giggles become loud laughter to the point I can barely breath, wishing I could see Ludwig’s face right now since I bet it would be hilarious.

“Why are…why are you laughing?” He asks, and I listen as he walks closer to me, though my laughter nearly covers the sounds of him moving, so I try to force myself to quiet down. However, small giggles still escape as I try to get my breathing back on track.

“I did go to sleep wearing pants, but it seems…” I trail off when another round of giggles starts up again, wiping my eyes since at some point I’d begun crying from laughter. “It seems they must have come off at one point…I didn’t even notice when I’d woken up,” I explain, and he lets out a small chuckle, which only starts my own giggles up again.

The two of us laugh for a few minutes, and eventually I hear dogs running into the room, though I’m not sure how many of them did.

“Could you hand me my pants? I’m sure they are just sitting on the floor or something, unless I’m sleepwalking, they don’t tend to go far.”

“You mean this happens regularly?” Ludwig asks, and I listen as he makes his way across the room, meaning my pants made it further than I thought they would.

I laugh, a bit embarrassed as the pants are placed in my lap.

“Sometimes, I mostly sleep nude but if I don’t, my clothes will eventually find their way off,” I shrug with a smile, “no idea how it happens, I’m just glad it was only my pants this time. One-time Toni actually ended up finding my shirt in the toilet! Though that was only one time and they rarely end up outside of my room so you shouldn’t need to worry.”

He chuckles at the, sadly very true, story, and I smile even wider as I slip the pants on, happy that I made him laugh. I grab my cane from beside the bed, standing up and facing his direction.

“So what did you want to say before we realized I was missing my pants?” I ask.

“Oh! Um…I was wondering what you wanted to do? F-For breakfast I-I mean? Al-Also I’m…I’m about to walk out?” He tells me, sounding more like a question at the last part, but I nod in encouragement, following him when I hear his footsteps turn to walk out of the room.

Since we really became friends I’d asked him to give me information about what he’s doing, such as when he’s about to leave a room, and he’s been getting it pretty good most of the time, though there was once yesterday where he forgot to let me know he’d gone to the bathroom while we were painting and I ended up talking to myself until I realized. He sounds so unsure though, as if he’s not doing it correctly, but I think he’s doing great.

“Well I can make pancakes and cinnamon rolls; however I need some help with knowing when they are done,” I blush, chuckling in embarrassment as I think of some of my past experiences making breakfast, “there have been way too many under baked cinnamon rolls and burnt pancakes in my past for me to do it alone.”

He laughs, “okay…well how about we do pancakes an-and I could do eggs? Though if…if I try omelets, we will just end up with sc-scrambled eggs so-so I would suggest we don’t try that,” he tells me just as my cane hits the tile, meaning we just have reached the kitchen without me even realizing.

The layout of Ludwig’s house isn’t confusing, though I don’t have it memorized yet. Yesterday I didn’t use my cane while we painted, but after three stubbed toes on different pieces of furniture, I decided to just use it since I was tired of my toes hurting.

“My Opa taught me the best way to make eggs actually…Opa was my grandfather by the way, that’s what Gil and I called him since it’s the German word for grandpa,” Ludwig explains, and I sigh, smiling.

“I want to learn German one day, I already know English and Italian, as well as some Spanish, but German just sounds so strong and confident!” I giggle, “some people say it sounds scary, but I don’t think so…at least not when the right person is speaking it!” I give Ludwig’s leg a little tap with my cane, “like you! You sound so nice when speaking German.”

I can’t see Ludwig’s face or his reaction to what I had said, but he’s silent for a moment, until he lets out a small chuckle. 

“Thank you Feli, I-“ he sighs, but I can smile his smile, which makes me smile in return.

“Anytime Lud…I…I want to give you compliments, good and true compliments.”

“I-I…I want to do the…the same thing for you Feli…”

There’s a silence that fills the space between us, both of us pausing all movements as the words sink in. I don’t even turn my head when I hear the dogs running through the house despite how loud they are, all of my attention focused solely on Ludwig.

In Lovi and Toni’s romance novels and movies, this reads like the moment of a book where the two protagonists would kiss while the seaside crashes around them or the camera pans out to a picturesque image of snow, or at least that’s how Toni describes them to me whenever he drags me to watch them with him.

Maybe that’s how it would be if we were in a book, or movie, or tv show…but this…this isn’t any of those. 

Instead, this is our reality.

One where we both have PTSD from people who have hurt us, our minds corrupted by a fear of trust and closeness and all of the things that come with it. We are haunted by words telling us we aren’t worthy of nice things like relationships or close bonds or even happiness…that in the end we are nothing but dirty…and used.

Broken.

This isn’t a reality that is perfect and lovely and beautiful. This isn’t a reality where villains don’t exist, one where nothing can hurt you because in the end you will get your own ‘happily ever after’ just like all the fairytales and Disney movies said you would.

Instead, as the sounds of life become muffled behind me as my mind focuses instead on how happy I become whenever I hear Ludwig laugh, I am forced to remember that this is our world.

A world filled with nightmares, flashbacks, fear, and thoughts that have always been too loud.

I may wish for a happy ending, one where Ludwig loves me and we get the chance to spend the rest of our lives together where we are freed from life and all of its pain, but like I said, this is not a movie nor a book…and Ludwig, _lovely, beautiful, talented, and kind Ludwig_, could never love someone like me.

Like they said, no one will ever love me like I wish they could…and maybe one day…maybe I will finally be able to accept and make peace with that fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter that was prewritten, everything after this will be completely new.  
I have a basic online for the rest of the fic and I know how it will end, however I don't know if the chapters will continue to be the same length or not.  
What I do know is you should prepare for even more angst, we got six major negative plot lines to cover and they are going to HURT.  
However there are seven positive ones so don't worry lovelies it's not all depressing.  
To date this fic, it's currently January 2021 and the date for the end of the fic is set as late May 2023 (in the fic time, not real world time), so we have a ton of stuff to cover with thirteen major plot points with some smaller ones scattered throughout.   
I have no idea how long this will be, however it will be completed!   
If it isn't feel free to shoot me :)  
Also in more fun news, I will most likely be posting side fics for this that tell about events in this world that won't be talked about much (if at all) in this fic.   
It will all be one shots covering events that happen in this world such as an certain event related to Matthew, Gilbert, and Lovino, Andrei's adoption and that family, how Camille and Michelle met, when Antonio found Lovino after he ran away, the Nordics, and Erico's exciting adventures.  
Through developing Feliciano and Ludwig's stories, I ended up developing everyone else's as well, and if I just stay with this fic I won't ever get the chance to tell them, so I've decided to create something new to tell everyone's stories, though in shorter, snapshot form of course.  
Anyways, this has now on long enough :)  
Have a nice night and happy reading!


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